Because it's expensive to publish lyrics in liner notes, here are all of the lyrics for the songs on Chosen People Adjacent.
Generation Z Anthem
We don’t know what the fuck we’re doing / We are young / We are invincible / Tonight is our night / We're gonna party 'til we touch the sky / We've finally aged to the appropriate demographic / Consisting of anyone who comprises shopping mall traffic / It doesn't matter where we're going or where we came from / That only thing that makes a difference is that we've got disposable income / We're spending all of our cash on different ways to get trashed / 'Cause we have to draw a crowd / We're at the top of our game / We know what's cool and what's lame / We're entitled and we're proud / This is our time / We're masters of our destiny / We're gonna get wasted / And maybe watch the first half of Shrek / We're riding a wave so high that nothing can spoil it / So don't you try to explain that the economy's down in the toilet / We don't need anybody's advice / We've got infinite wisdom / And plus there's an outrageous amount of drugs in our system / We all rely on our phones because we're basically drones / And we don't follow politics / We're courteous and polite, and if you don't think that's right / You can kindly suck our dicks / The moment is ours / We're all individuals / We're totally unique / Even though we're all singing at once / This is just a coincidence / No, seriously, check this out / Peanut butter airplane purple hamster magnet / Well, shit / Forget we said that last thing / We have unlimited potential and completely embrace it / We're on the threshold of a movement and we're forming a plan / We're drinking PBR and starting a fight club in the basement / We let our parents pay our phone bills for as long as we can / We've got the world upon our shoulders and no history of credit / We don't have any concept of what paying taxes is like / We mostly share a lot of crap we saw on Buzzfeed and Reddit / When we’re not lying to strangers about how often we hike / We’re taking over with ease / Killing all your industries / Like diamonds and restaurants / We’re gonna rally and cry / Don’t bother asking us why / ‘Cause we won’t have a response / We are young / I mean, we're not old yet / It's not like we're twenty-eight and the prime of our life is gone / We can do anything / Except reduce the national debt / Or fight global warming / Or understand how vaccines work / We are unstoppable, unflappable / We're gonna be all right / We’re basically pretty much like gods / Now we’re gonna go eat some Tide Pods
That Happened
You were at the club last Friday night / And the bouncer wouldn’t let you inside / He said that you weren’t on the list / And he even threatened you with his fists / So you made a big speech on how you wouldn’t conform / And how not everyone fits into social norms / Then the bouncer was crying, the clubgoers too / As he opened the rope, everyone clapped for you / If that were true, I’d be really impressed / But your whole anecdote is complete B.S. / I can’t tell if you’re lonely or if you’re just sad / Seeking validation from strangers that you never got from your dad / When you pull up your phone and start tapping those keys / That’s the greatest your life is ever going to be / As you delude yourself to believe that that happened / You were out walking with someone / When a guy accosted you with a gun / He said, “Give me your money now or I’ll shoot” / And you turned around to hand over the loot / But when he saw your face he broke down into tears / ‘Cause you were the hottest person he’d seen in years / And he went to the precinct and turned himself in / And the people nearby started clapping again / How in the hell would I think you’re legit / When it’s obvious you’re homely as shit? / I don’t care if you make up details or name names / I’m not just taking your word that you got retweeted by LeBron James / When you say that you’ve taught baby birds how to fly / Or insist your great uncle’s the Dos Equis guy / You’re the only one buying into how that happened / You claim you turned down Harvard for USC /
But Harvard still gave you a PhD / You keep bragging about your supposed black friend / And how he called you an honorary one of them / UNICEF didn’t come right to you for help / Your crotch didn’t get five stars on Yelp / Pauly Shore didn’t fly you to Malibu / And no one would care even if that were true / Everyone rolls their eyes whenever you narrate / ‘Cause all the stories you weave make the screenplay for Gigli look great / When you’re making up garbage about your success / I can’t honestly tell who you’re trying to impress / Because nobody trusts anything that you say / Every moment with you feels like opposite day / Maybe you’re ignorant of your own mental health / In fact, maybe you fall asleep touching yourself / As you dream of an alternate world where that happened / Then everyone clapped
DLT
There’s nothing better than waking up to the one you love / There’s nothing better than seeing them smiling back at you / Nothing comes close to the feeling you get / When you’re with the greatest person that you’ve ever met / Yeah / And for most of my life, I thought that that was true / But then I had a Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell / It’s like a regular taco but with a Dorito shell / And from the moment I ate it, I was converted for life / And now I want to make Doritos Locos Tacos my wife / Yeah / I want to make Doritos Locos Tacos my wife / I got a job with a PR firm up in NYC / Got my own corner office and a six-figure salary / The work was super easy and the hours were great / I’d always go home early after coming in late / And I figured that would be the best thing that ever happened to me / But then I tried that Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell / And I stopped going to work so I could eat for a spell / And sure, I may have gotten fired but I don’t really care / ‘Cause they’re a dollar forty-nine and I’ve got money to spare / Yeah / At that rate we’ll see how many I can cram down in there / How can one simple fast food item make me feel so complete? / Scientists combined the perfect chip / With something that can almost pass for taco meat / And every time I swallow one down / You know, I feel so alive / Who cares that I’ve had eighteen heart attacks at thirty-five?/ (At thirty-five?) / I’ve seen the Great Wall of China and the Eiffel Tower / I’ve walked the pyramids and Stonehenge and I toured Babylon / And don’t get me wrong, all that stuff was okay / But looking back on it, they mostly got in the way / Of all the times I could have run for the border / And place a whole ‘nother order / And woke up in a pile of wrappers on my lawn / I love Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell / They raised my serotonin level and helped my sense of smell / Though I’m completely stained orange now, I can never go back / I’d literally go down on anyone for just one more snack / Have you had the Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell? / My entire life up until I had one was basically hell / And as far as I’m concerned, they’re the most perfect thing / Except for maybe those chicken fries from Burger King / Or this one other place I went to with these buffalo wings / Hey, could somebody call an ambulance? / My arm kind of stings
Netflix And Chill
You know, sometimes a fly honey comes over to your crib / Thinkin’ one thing’s gonna happen / But that ain’t what’s going on at all, baby / Girl, I’ve been waiting so long / To get you over to my place so we could hang out / I lit some candles just to set the mood / So we could curl up with each other in the middle of the couch / I know I said I’d put on Netflix / And we could turn on any program that you want to watch / But just imagine my surprise when / Twenty minutes into Bojack you start reaching for my crotch / Girl, this is not why I invited you to come here / I figured we would just watch Kimmy Schmidt and drink some beer / You know I’m sure that you could give me quite a thrill / But I literally want to Netflix and chill / I’m not that kind of guy / Netflix and chill / Hey, I even made us popcorn / That we could snack on during Mystery Science Theater / So you can see why it’s annoying / That you keep grinding on me while I’m watching Making A Murderer / How can I focus on Stranger Things / If you keep shoving your tits directly in my face? / I’m really starting to question / What your motivation is for coming over in the first place / Girl, I admit that what you’re doing is making me hot / But there’s no way that you could blow me and still follow the plot / That would take an insane amount of skill / It would be so much easier to Netflix and chill / That’s really more how I Netflix and chill / When you said that you were bored you tried to drag me to bed / I just figured that we’d switch over to Hulu instead / I should have asked you to leave then changed the locks / When you took off your dress and grabbed my hand / And shoved it in your Bird Box / Why the hell’d you bring a condom / To what I very clearly stated was a kickback? / And then you tried to jerk me off to / One of those lesbian shower scenes in Orange Is The New Black / I was so hopeful when you finally said / That you’d put on your favorite show and stop harassing me / But then you clicked over to Fuller House / And so I grabbed your stuff and threw you out immediately / Oh / This night turned out to be a massive waste of my time / Assault is bad enough but Fuller House is crossing the line / I can’t believe that you would watch that kind of swill / I’ll never have you over again to Netflix and chill / I’ll give you thirteen reasons why / Netflix and chill / I would rather watch Queer Eye / Netflix and chill / I kind of hope you fucking die / Netflix and chill
Customer Service
Hello and welcome to McDonald’s / May I take your order / I can’t hear you / Please speak right into the speakerbox or roll your window down / No I’m sorry sir / We don’t carry the Whopper / That’s a different fast food restaurant / I do apologize for the confusion / Even though we’ve had the same menu since 1955 / No, we don’t have the McRib / So you want a chicken sandwich / With a burger patty as a substitution for the chicken patty / That’s just called a burger / We still don’t have the McRib / No I’m sorry sir / We don’t take Wendy’s gift cards / That’s another other place / This is your third time asking about the McRib / Please pull forward to the pay window / Yes sir, you have to pay for this / Your total comes to / Wait, I guess he drove away now / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / Thank you for calling Verizon / May I verify your password? / No I can’t give you a hint / This is a password you supposedly picked out / It says here this is your eighth time calling in today / Regarding something on your cell phone bill/ Ma’am it seems that someone on your family plan downloaded forty-seven ringtones / And went through your data stash / Streaming Alec Baldwin’s podcast / I’m not making accusations but our data doesn’t lie / While I’ve got you on the line / It seems you haven’t paid your bill in half a year / I’m afraid that I can’t credit your account for all the ringtones / But as a one time-courtesy / I can offer a data bundle upgrade / So you won’t get hit with overages on your next bill / I’m sorry ma’am / Yes, please hold for my supervisor / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / How are you this fine evening? / I hope that you’re in a good mood / Thank you for picking me up / It’s really cold out and this outfit doesn’t help / Anyway, it’s fifty dollars for a blowjob / But it’s extra if you want to cum in my mouth / Which I figure that you might / Yes sir, my ass is an option / That’s two hundred / Provided you have protection / And I don’t do ass to mouth / I don’t care if Hector does it / Everybody has their limits / Just because I’m out here hooking doesn’t mean that I’ll do anything for cash / I’m not haggling with you / Because I have to give my pimp a cut of whatever I make / Well then you can go find Hector for all I care / Or I’ll suck you off for sixty / I know I said fifty earlier / But now it’s more ‘cause you’re an asshole / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / It’s stupid that people in menial jobs / Are forced to put up with garbage from the assholes they’re trying to help / Just because you’ve got a Kate Gosselin haircut / Doesn’t mean you have to ask for a manager / Every time you leave the house / Stop requesting shit we don’t have / Stop chewing us out for shit we can’t control / I’m getting a fucking office job / So I never have to deal with you again
She’s A Ginger
When she walks down the street she’s turning heads / All the boys on the corner / They leer and heckle / At her bright green eyes, all big and soulless / And her body covered up with a bunch of freckles / Every time she comes around everybody stares / At her ivory complexion and monochrome lips / But they can’t look right at her ‘cause her Irish tan / Is gonna burn through their retinas like an eclipse / She’s got the potential to get a little violent / If you call her by the name that stems from Gilligan’s Island / She’s a ginger / Yes, she’s a ginger / And when she comes along / You know she’s gonna make the scene / And everywhere she goes / She’s just one big recessive gene / She’s covered in sunscreen / ‘Cause she’s a ginger / She could be a body double for Carrot Top / Or maybe an assistant for a supermodel / But she spends a lot of time being pissed about / The girls who get their red hair from out of a bottle / Now, she still gotta look her very best / She’s got a clutch full of blush and a ton of mascara / But she can’t put on too much or else / She’s gonna look like David Bowie from the Ziggy era / She’s mostly happy with her oranges and reds / ‘Cause she’d look like the little mermaid if she cut off both her legs / She’s a ginger / (She’s a ginger) / Oh what a ginger / (Oh, what a ginger) / And when she goes out on the town / The guys can’t keep from flirtin’ / Asking her ad nauseum if the carpet matches the curtains / All they know for certain’s she’s a ginger / Time for obligatory / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Nas / She carries an umbrella with her at all times / She’s got the melanin levels of a sick albino / Then she ends up getting sunburned anyway / And if you ask her why, she’ll say, “Hell if I know” / No doubt in her mind that she’s something special / She’s the product of hereditary mutation / But she’s living her life to the fullest because / Her kind is gonna die out in a few generations / Not all redheads are alike / They’re hard to pigeonhole / But it’s still common knowledge that they’ll steal your fucking soul / She’s a ginger / (She’s a ginger) / She’s quite a ginger / (She’s quite a ginger) / She rarely goes out in the sun / But when she does, she’s squintin’ / She’s fun like the Mythbusters guys and weird like Tilda Swinton / She’s a ginger / (She’s a ginger) / The biggest ginger / (That fucking ginger) / And when she hits the floor / You’re gonna notice every detail / And every day she thanks the lord / That she was born a female / She’s really goddamn pale / ‘Cause she’s a ginger / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Nas / Some more obligatory / Na na na na na / Na na na / Perfunctory / Na na na na na / Na na na / Unnecessary/ Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Nas /
Mind The Stepchildren
As you wander down the winding roads and passages of life / You’ll learn so many lessons / And you’ve got to value every single one / But sometimes they can tend to be a little overwhelming / And by the time you’ve learned them / You’ll find that the mistake’s already done / Don’t run while holding scissors / Don’t prank call the police / Don’t ever spend your hard-earned cash on Chainsmokers CDs / Don’t get into a stranger’s car / And don’t go sniffing glue / But boys and girls all around the world / There’s one thing you must do / You gotta cup the balls / It’s really, really, really important / Cup the balls / I’m talking ‘bout your mutual enjoyment / Cup those balls / Sometimes it’ll even get you employment / It’s the perfect way to let your boyfriend know / That you love him so / Hi / Now, there are folks who’ll argue the fellatio’s enough / They’ll say that with a handjob / There’s no need to venture any further south / But I propose that jerks and blows are much more satisfying / The moment that you start to mind the stepchildren / And put them in your mouth / Just grab them like maracas while you’re playing with his flute / They’re already in front of you and so there’s no commute / And when you hold those precious jewels / You’re basically his master / And if you’re in a time crunch / It’ll make him cum way faster / You need to cup the balls / I swear that I’m not kidding about this / Cup the balls / Then he’ll understand how awesome your mouth is / Cup those balls / It won’t be long before he starts howlin’ / If you don’t understand why they’re worth the handful / Well, here’s an example / When you move into a new city / And you’ve found yourself a home / You gotta / Go and introduce yourself to the neighbors on your block / Well, this is like a housewarming party / With slightly fewer guests / And instead of green bean casserole / You’ve got testicles and cock / Hi / You’ll never be complete until the moment that you’ve tried it / If you get bored of one ball / There’s another one beside it / There’s nothing better in the world to quench his lustful fires / Some guys say they don’t care for it / But they’re all fucking liars / So please cup the balls / I hope that you’ve been paying attention / If you cup the balls / One day he’ll probably buy you a mansion / Cup those balls / Even lesbians have strap-on extensions / If you ever want him at your beck and call / You gotta cup the balls / Cup the balls / Cup those balls / If you really want to understand it all / You better get on the ball
Forgive And Forget
Once / There was a singer named Chris Brown / And he smacked his pop star girlfriend in the face / He said he didn’t do it / But the pictures fucking prove it / So he was charged with felony assault / And he somehow got the girl he beat to plead his case / She gave him lots of pity / Made them both look pretty shitty / Within a couple years / We all disregarded what he’d done / In fact, the next two garbage albums he crapped out / Went straight to number one / Forgive and forget / Whatever will be will be / Sometimes you have to just sit back / And roll with the punches, quite literally / Forgive and forget / That’s really all we can do / Apparently that ass deserved a pass / If Rihanna didn’t mind being black and blue / Mel Gibson was an action movie star / But he drank until his brain was on the fritz / Derogatory comments he would shout between his vomits / He said the Jews were to blame for every war / And he even called a policewoman “Sugartits” / That might seem complimentary if he’d still been in his twenties / But since those cold remarks / It seems the world has cleaned his slate / Who cares about that vitriol / When the prick might bring us Lethal Weapon eight? / Forgive and forget / We’re giving him amnesty / Even though making a film about killing Christ / Is a pretty fucking rotten apology / Forgive and forget / It’s water under the bridge / ‘Cause homophobia and anti-Semitism / Are a small price to pay for Hacksaw Ridge / Kobe was a rapist / But he kept on dribbling / Angelina is a superstar / Even though she fucked her sibling / Paula Deen said the N-word / And she barely got questioned / While Elvis fingered preteens / And he’s a goddamn legend / Woody Allen married his daughter / But no one would bust him / R. Kelly pulled so much shit / That I could write a song about just him / Tom Edison got a museum / After stealing every idea he had / George Washington kept a bunch of slaves / But now he’s still our country’s fucking dad / Forgive and forget / We might as well let it go / All the ugly molesters are serving time / But it’s just fine when it’s James Franco / Forgive and forget / Let bygones be bygones / We’re destined to forever have a memory lapse / ‘Cause these people put the “con” in “icons” / “Con” in “icons” / “Con” in “icons” / And fuck Gweneth Paltrow
CPA
Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Hey / I been livin’ my life as a CPA / Since way back in the day / Earning my pay pushin’ papers / I’m all up in them skyscrapers / Helpin’ out people with their monetary capers / I’m lending ends to my friends / And earning them dividends / Always accompany their companies / Keeping track of the money they spend / W-2, W-4, I-9, 1040, 1099-C, 1099-G, 1099 fuckin’ D to the IV / Going through inventory / And shareholder equity / Just get me coffee and I’m off on an itemized deduction spree / Keeping track of cash flow / When I’m not playing golf with the CFO / Pull it up on my Blackberry / While I’m flirting with his secretary / Auditors snorting every morning but I just ignore ‘em / They’d be happy to cap me / Because I do their job for ‘em / Yeah / Reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits / I’m reconciling credits and debits and credits and debits / I’m reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits / Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Master’s degree, AR, AP / Free enterprise, expensive ties / While y’all be sleeping / I’m bookkeeping, barely eating / Completing presentations for the next team meeting / Gotta be Microsoft Office Suite-ing / Powerpoint and Excel / I run those mothers like hell / Coworkers callin’ me up for advice like I was Alexander Graham Bell / Crunching numbers on my Dell / Ten-keying by sense of smell / Employee of the month, got covered parking / At my whiteboard dry erase marking / Business trips and stock tips / Making ducks out of paper clips / Only push one button / Everything running off of macros and scripts / Never ever gonna go into the red / ‘Cause I’m always gonna wanna chill in the black / Gotta get that revenue back / Even if the Roth IRA is wack / Got a blazer with the elbow patch / Laminated security badge / 401K’s employer-funded / Gotta keep my ass here in the Fortune 500 / And I’m reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits / I’m reconciling credits and debits and credits and debits / I’m reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits / Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Month-end, time crunch, drinking my lunch / Liquid assets, office pool bets / And I’m gonna mitigate a marketing meeting / And I’m gonna mitigate a marketing meeting / And I’m gonna mitigate a / Gonna mitigate a / Gonna mitigate a marketing meeting / Gonna mitigate a / Gonna mitigate a / Gonna mitigate a marketing meeting / My cubicle location is covered in certifications and plaques / Got an AM radio station playin’ to help me relax / Got annotations and calculations on your income tax / Even when I’m takin’ vacation / I’ll send your loans in a fax / I can print a million papers / And shuffle them up, I’m a collator / A general ledger coordinator / And I don’t need any dumb red stapler / I’m a bookkeeper, minesweeper / Until I dance with the reaper / Long as nobody finds out / That you can download Quicken for cheaper / Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Statement account, got fresh amounts / See you right here next fiscal year / Yeah
2 Nrrdy 4 Me
I was wandering aimlessly around ComiCon / The first time I saw you there in your cosplay / You were basically naked except for your bubblegum hair / I assumed you were from some kind of anime / But since we’ve gotten together / I can’t help but notice you’re a bit on the nerdy side / And the more I’m around you, the sadder it gets / And I’m starting to wish I had twelve-sided died / And I’m tired of keeping track of all your stupid goddamn fandoms / And I’m tired of hearing all about how Thor is fucking handsome / Even the inventor of Magic: The Gathering would agree / That you’re way too nerdy for me / You won’t shut up about which Doctor’s the best / Or which Harry Potter house you’d get sorted into / And when you’re on hour six of telling me why / The Blob would defeat Juggernaut / I just want to choke you / Every time you call me the Mulder to your Scully / I can’t help but think that you’re the worst / And there’s no amount of persuasion on your part / That will make me care whether Han shot first / And I’m tired of trying to understand your D&D campaigning / And I’m tired of your Bazinga shirts and live action roleplaying / Even the asshole who rebooted Fantastic Four would agree / That you’re way too nerdy for me / When I asked you what you wanted us to be / You said, “PC master race” / When I told you that I belonged to you / You responded, “All your base” / When I wanted to be your hero / You made me dress up like Spiderman / When I wanted to go to a party with you / I didn’t mean fucking LAN / I won’t argue with you about whether Adam West / Was a better Batman than Michael Keaton / And no matter how many times you bring up his name / I still don’t know a damn thing about Wil Wheaton / And you can’t afford to go out ‘cause you’re constantly / Buying Star Trek figures until you overdraft / So we’re always forced to stay in and every night / I’m stuck there watching you play World of Warcraft / Or Minecraft / Or reading about H.P. Lovecraft / You write more fan letters to George R R Martin / Than any sane person would allow / And I’m pretty sure Benedict Cumberbatch / Has a restraining order against you by now / And I’m tired of Aragorn the brave and Legolas the archer / And I’m tired of dressing up in drag and watching Rocky Horror / And I’m tired of you explaining why Serenity was artful / And I’m tired of ninjas versus pirates and DC versus Marvel / Even Felicia Day and Enji Night would agree / And maybe one day you’ll take off your Oculus Rift and see / That you’re way too nerdy for me / You’re way too nerdy for me
Save The World
We all have moments when we get down / And there’s nothing that we can do / Sometimes it almost seems as if the world gangs up on you / It feels like an uphill battle / Struggling just to be around / But you gotta get back on your feet / Don’t take this lying down / Get up / Then get back down and put your laptop on your lap / Just get online and start to post some inspirational crap / You can save the world with good intentions / You don’t actually have to do anything / Just like or share or mention / ‘Cause we all can change for the better using minimal repairs / You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and prayers / Everyone will want to vote with you if you wear a certain color shirt / They won’t know what they’re voting for / But it probably doesn’t hurt / And the soldiers fighting overseas / Will return in massive groups / If you add an Instagram filter / That says, “Bring home our troops” / Don’t wait / Don’t hesitate to follow all the pointless trends / You can start a revolution / With all thirty-one of your Facebook friends / You can save the world like a motherfucker / Dump an ice bucket on your head / ‘Cause donating is for suckers / And we don’t need soapboxes / When we’ve got computer chairs / You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and prayers / I remember when I was a kid / It used to matter what we actually did / Because the internet had not yet gone abuzz / But then all the girls I’d met before / Started posting the colors of the bras they wore / And suddenly I was aware of what breast cancer was / Yeah, breast cancer was cured because / The women posted the color of their bras / Remember when that happened? / You can treat any virus even without a GED / Find a post that’s anti-virus and type “amen” if you agree / Yeah / You can save the world from greed and malice / ‘Cause the government counts emojis / When they get tired of counting ballots / If you’re unawares of the current affairs / You can help by not shaving your hairs / But only in November / Because otherwise nobody cares / You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and / (I’m sure you’re helping with your thoughts and prayers) / Thoughts and prayers / (You’re totally fixing stuff with thoughts and prayers) / Thoughts and prayers / (Thank god for you and all your thoughts and prayers) / Thoughts and prayers / Ah
Birth Control
Buddy, you’ve been hounding me for an eternity / “When you gonna move in? / When you gonna get married? / When you gonna procreate / A bunch of nearsighted kids / Running into shit all over the place?” / Well, have I got news for you / This little orgy of one is turning into an orgy of two / And that’s the way it’s gonna stay until the day I die / And there’s a simple fucking reason why / We don’t wanna have any children / Sing it / We don’t wanna have any children / I can sleep in on the weekends / I can take a nap in the afternoon for no reason / Go ahead and tell me how / I’m clearly missing out / On all the screaming and getting peed on / Zero is the number of times I’ve had to clean / Marker off the walls or vomit off my shirt / My songs might be my only legacy / But at least I’ll never have to stop them from eating dirt / We don’t wanna have any children / Yeah / We don’t wanna have any children / Hang on, you know what? / I’m not done yet / Traveling and bowling and going to the movies / And buying electronics and throwing axes / I can afford to do that stuff right now / Instead of claiming a dependent on my goddamn taxes / Two hundred twenty-six thousand dollars / To raise a kid from birth to seventeen and a half / That sounds a little bit steep / Besides, do you know how many puppies I could buy with that? / We don’t wanna have any children / Sing it, you bastards / We’re not gonna have any children / I’m sorry that I called you bastards / Please stop asking when we’re gonna have children / Aw, one more time / We don’t wanna have any children
Passive Aggressive Rap Battle
Whup-cha / Ha / I heard you been going all over town / Talkin’ shit about me, tryin’ to put me down / Now you know I ain’t about to let you run your mouth / I’m gonna get my revenge, we gonna hash this out / First, I’ll call you at all hours from a blocked phone line / And if you answer, I’ll hang that shit up each time / I’ll make vaguely insulting Facebook posts / And I’ll leave a bunch of snarky-ass Post-It notes / When I spit to you, you won’t understand it / All my compliments are gonna be backhanded / Like, “I love the way that you don’t care about your appearance / Ha / You’re really smart to buy your clothes on clearance” / Like the Godfather, I’m gonna send you a message / It’s a flaming bag of poop that I hope you’ll step in / And yeah, I had to pick the poop up to put it in there / But you just got punk’d, so who the fuck cares? / I’m gonna make you sorry that you ever came around / I’m gonna take your keys and push them off the table / So they fall down to the ground / I’m on you like white on rice ‘til you take your final breath / It’s a passive aggressive rap battle / Rap battle to the death / Ha / I want to take down every one of your crew / But they’re big and scary, so I’m’a stick with you / Every time you look away, I’m gonna flip you the bird / I’ll change your name in my phone to a curse word / I’ll make a drawing of you with an ugly rash / Then I’ll crumple it up and throw it right in the trash / But when you step to me, don’t you think for a second / That I’m not gonna pray that you get an infection / Look out! / I’m creepin’ on you when I’m in my ride / And I’m pretending not to see you when I’m passing by / Gonna turn your AC down three degrees / Now you’re stuck dealing with an annoying breeze / And I know that you’re gonna be pissed all day / When I turn your toilet paper roll the other way / Yo, I told you, bitch, that’s what you get for messin’ / Hopefully you’ll notice that I taught you a lesson / You’re gonna end up wishing that you never knew my name / I’ll leave an anonymous letter on your windshield / ‘Cause this shit ain’t a game / I’ll eat your chicken soup ‘til there isn’t any left / It’s a passive aggressive rap battle / Rap battle to the death / When you least expect it / I’m going to walk right up to you / And when you ask me how it’s going / I’ll say I’m doing fine / And then instead of asking how you are / I’ll turn and walk away / And when you realize just how bad I burned you / It’s going to blow your mind / It’s going to blow your mind / You wanna front with me? / I’d like to see you try / I’ll tell our mutual friends that you’re a stupid guy / And then they’ll probably want to ask me way / “Because you just are” is gonna be my reply / Ha / Why don’t you talk shit right to my face? / I would respond, but I don’t feel like it’s my place / If you wanna debate, I’m gonna be real subtle / ‘Cause I’ll mumble under my breath for my rebuttal / Or instead I’m gonna pout whenever I’m near you / If you talk to me, I’ll act like I didn’t hear you / I hope you know just who you’re fucking around with / I’ll make friends with your parents and I’ll jack your accountant / And last but not least, you’ve unleashed the beast / I’ll unplug your iron so your slacks get creased / That’s what I call getting served, motherfucker / Shouldn’t ‘a gotten on my last nerve, motherfucker / There’s nowhere left to hide, can’t mess with my resolve / I’ll fuck up your whole life / But not so much that you’ll know I was involved / I’ll sit back and imagine that you got hooked on meth / It’s a passive aggressive rap battle / Rap battle to the death / Rap battle to the death / Uh / Rap battle to the death / Whup-cha
Obsessed
It’s weird the way you’re always watching me / I can tell because I see you through the binoculars that I like to carry / You’re always texting me, I don’t know why / Just because I text you every thirty seconds / Doesn’t mean you should reply / I don’t see why I’m the one you’re passionate about / You hounded me for stealing your hair / And it kind of freaked me out / Somehow you always know each little thing I do / You’re so obsessed with me / And my obsession with you / It seems like you’re fixated all the time / Like when you cut down the tree outside your bathroom window / That I used to climb / You even hired a private investigator / He snuck up on me as I looked for the receipt in your garbage later / Your infatuation with me is out of control / I see you rant about it / Every time I stare through your keyhole / If I hadn’t glued us together, I bet you would have tried it too / You’re so obsessed with me / And my obsession with you / And she says all sorts of stuff about me / She’s always breaking my balls / I know ‘cause I can hear her / When I’m taping her phone calls / You know, sometimes you can be such a creep / I can barely touch my body pillow / That looks like you when I fall asleep / It got so bad I had to call the cops / They said my restraining order will go into effect / The moment yours stops / I’m getting worried that you mean to cause me harm / Thank god I paid that guy to sew a tracking chip into your arm / I can’t believe you stole my journal where I scribbled down your name the whole way through / You always mess with me / Please get undressed with me / You get the best of me / Those cops arrested me / You’re so obsessed with me / And my obsession with you / My obsession with you
Your Changing Body
The world can be confusing and eternally strange / And nothing’s weirder than the way our bodies all change / But if you’re a female and you don’t have a clue / Who better than a male singer-songwriter to enlighten you? / It all starts when you turn about twelve or thirteen / And blood begins gushing out of your lady-peen / As your fallopian lining starts to wither and shed / It makes you act like a dick and turns your underwear red / Then your eggs get all antsy and symbolically shout / For however many days until you poop them all out / Then they replenish themselves in about half an hour / And so your womanhood is coming / And you probably need to go shower / Oh, your changing body / Is no reason to be scared / If you heed my legit explanation of it / Then you’ll be well-prepared / Ha / As time progresses through your period’s term / You’ll start to have an unrelenting craving for sperm / So you’ll find yourself a fella who’s chock full of it / And put some on your ovaries and rub the rest on your clit / That’s when a baby starts growing deep inside of your boobs / And your embryotic fluid will seep into your shoes / And like two years later you can crap the kid out / And he’ll be carrying your eggs / So you’ve got one less thing to worry about / Oh, your changing body / It happens to everyone / And as a guy who will never have to give any birth / I clearly know how it’s done / Ha, ha, ha, ho / I’ve dedicated a whole semester to learning all about this stuff / You know, there’s no need to thank me / Just shutting up and listening is more than enough / It’s beyond incredible to take in all these facts / Like the plural of “labia” is also “labia” / Just how crazy is that? / Eventually a bunch of little kids have transpired / And your vaginal period will start to get tired / Your cervix and your vulva will switch back and forth / And your nipples will get achy, always pointing due north / And finally on your birthday when you turn forty-nine / A Jackson Pollack painting will spray out of your ‘gine / The men living in your uterus will be brutally killed / And your ultimate destiny as a woman is completely fulfilled / Oh, your changing body / You’ve probably got it wrong / But even when your mons falls off / At least you’ll have this song / Oh, your changing body / Can cause so much ineptitude / But now you’re aware of exactly what you should prepare to expect / All thanks to a dude / You’re welcome from a dude / I mean me, I’m a dude / I know it’s awfully crude / But there’s no need to be rude
A Day At The Gym
Hello elderly man riding topless on a bike / Hello elderly man riding topless on a bike / You’re seventy-four but you’re ripped and proud of what you look like / So, hello elderly man riding topless on a bike / Hello lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill / Hello lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill / If you don’t pretend you’re important right now / Then nobody will / Fuck off, lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill / Hello dude showing off to his buddies with the weights / Hello dude showing off to his buddies with the really heavy weights / Good luck spending the rest of your life wearing a neck brace / Sorry there, dude showing off to his buddies with the weights / Hello old woman reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical / Hello old woman reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical / I don’t know for sure but I bet it’s frowned upon / To play with your nipple / But have a blast, old woman reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical / Hello TV airing Harry Connick Jr on his talk show / Hello TV airing Harry Connick Jr on his talk show / Who the hell would watch something like that? / I honestly don’t know / I have no idea why Harry Connick Jr has a talk show / Hello girl with a leotard on doing squats / Hello girl with a leotard on doing squats / If you’re not aware, the whole gym can see right up your twat / You may want to consider changing or not doing squats / There are so many interesting characters to see at the gym / There’s a guy with a neck tattoo of Alf / I’m glad I’m not him / There’s a chick with a stroller / Her baby’s nowhere to be seen / And somebody just threw up on the rowing machine / Hello guy in the locker room blow-drying his balls / Hello guy in the locker room blow-drying his balls / You’re here every day / But I don’t think I’ve ever seen you work out at all / See you tomorrow, guy in the locker room blow-drying his balls / Goodbye former fat guy staring at me in the mirror / Goodbye former fat guy staring at me in the mirror / You’ve put in so much effort for the last couple years / You’ve pushed yourself so hard that it could bring you to tears / I think I’ll stop for pizza on the way home from here / Hello again former fat guy staring at me in the mirror / Good to see you again, former fat guy staring at me in the mirror
Fuck Off And Die 2 (Bonus Track)
If you dress like you're a Veteran, but actually you're not / Then please fuck off and die / If the only thing you talk about is how much you smoke pot / Then please fuck off and die / If you're an adult Caucasian male who's growing out dreadlocks / If your go-to karaoke song is "Picture" by Kid Rock / If your write-in candidate is just a drawing of a cock / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die / If taking up three parking spots is your idea of fun / Then please fuck off and die / If you think McDonald's being bad is news to anyone / Then please fuck off and die / If you use a public toilet and you don't bother to flush / If you brush your teeth and brush your hair but only use one brush / If you're at somebody's funeral and you're playing Candy Crush / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die, I'm not being wry / If you think that I'll change my mind then you must be high / Just die, you could at least try / Everybody would be better off if you would fuck off and die / If you're at Guitar Center playing "Stairway To Heaven" / If your very favorite hobby's finding children to abduct / If the only friend you've ever made is an AK-47 / If the reason you hate Hitler is because his paintings sucked / If you drive without your seatbelt 'cause you don't like how it feels / Then please fuck off and die / If you voted Donald Trump 'cause you relate to his ideals / Then seriously, fuck off and die / If your blog is all about how you won't vaccinate your kids / If the domain for the website that you built ends with "dot biz" / If you say that you hate gluten but you don't know what gluten is / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die, I wish you'd comply / I hope that you get murdered by that El Chapo guy / Just die, you know damn well why / I'll wish and pray for all my days that you get cancer of the AIDS / Or get left stranded on the moon, or get sat on by Mama June / As long as by the end of it the life's completely drained from your eye / Oh yeah / So please / Pretty fucking please / Fuck off and die
All lyrics written by Scott Gesser. © 2020 Apparently This Is Music.
We don’t know what the fuck we’re doing / We are young / We are invincible / Tonight is our night / We're gonna party 'til we touch the sky / We've finally aged to the appropriate demographic / Consisting of anyone who comprises shopping mall traffic / It doesn't matter where we're going or where we came from / That only thing that makes a difference is that we've got disposable income / We're spending all of our cash on different ways to get trashed / 'Cause we have to draw a crowd / We're at the top of our game / We know what's cool and what's lame / We're entitled and we're proud / This is our time / We're masters of our destiny / We're gonna get wasted / And maybe watch the first half of Shrek / We're riding a wave so high that nothing can spoil it / So don't you try to explain that the economy's down in the toilet / We don't need anybody's advice / We've got infinite wisdom / And plus there's an outrageous amount of drugs in our system / We all rely on our phones because we're basically drones / And we don't follow politics / We're courteous and polite, and if you don't think that's right / You can kindly suck our dicks / The moment is ours / We're all individuals / We're totally unique / Even though we're all singing at once / This is just a coincidence / No, seriously, check this out / Peanut butter airplane purple hamster magnet / Well, shit / Forget we said that last thing / We have unlimited potential and completely embrace it / We're on the threshold of a movement and we're forming a plan / We're drinking PBR and starting a fight club in the basement / We let our parents pay our phone bills for as long as we can / We've got the world upon our shoulders and no history of credit / We don't have any concept of what paying taxes is like / We mostly share a lot of crap we saw on Buzzfeed and Reddit / When we’re not lying to strangers about how often we hike / We’re taking over with ease / Killing all your industries / Like diamonds and restaurants / We’re gonna rally and cry / Don’t bother asking us why / ‘Cause we won’t have a response / We are young / I mean, we're not old yet / It's not like we're twenty-eight and the prime of our life is gone / We can do anything / Except reduce the national debt / Or fight global warming / Or understand how vaccines work / We are unstoppable, unflappable / We're gonna be all right / We’re basically pretty much like gods / Now we’re gonna go eat some Tide Pods
That Happened
You were at the club last Friday night / And the bouncer wouldn’t let you inside / He said that you weren’t on the list / And he even threatened you with his fists / So you made a big speech on how you wouldn’t conform / And how not everyone fits into social norms / Then the bouncer was crying, the clubgoers too / As he opened the rope, everyone clapped for you / If that were true, I’d be really impressed / But your whole anecdote is complete B.S. / I can’t tell if you’re lonely or if you’re just sad / Seeking validation from strangers that you never got from your dad / When you pull up your phone and start tapping those keys / That’s the greatest your life is ever going to be / As you delude yourself to believe that that happened / You were out walking with someone / When a guy accosted you with a gun / He said, “Give me your money now or I’ll shoot” / And you turned around to hand over the loot / But when he saw your face he broke down into tears / ‘Cause you were the hottest person he’d seen in years / And he went to the precinct and turned himself in / And the people nearby started clapping again / How in the hell would I think you’re legit / When it’s obvious you’re homely as shit? / I don’t care if you make up details or name names / I’m not just taking your word that you got retweeted by LeBron James / When you say that you’ve taught baby birds how to fly / Or insist your great uncle’s the Dos Equis guy / You’re the only one buying into how that happened / You claim you turned down Harvard for USC /
But Harvard still gave you a PhD / You keep bragging about your supposed black friend / And how he called you an honorary one of them / UNICEF didn’t come right to you for help / Your crotch didn’t get five stars on Yelp / Pauly Shore didn’t fly you to Malibu / And no one would care even if that were true / Everyone rolls their eyes whenever you narrate / ‘Cause all the stories you weave make the screenplay for Gigli look great / When you’re making up garbage about your success / I can’t honestly tell who you’re trying to impress / Because nobody trusts anything that you say / Every moment with you feels like opposite day / Maybe you’re ignorant of your own mental health / In fact, maybe you fall asleep touching yourself / As you dream of an alternate world where that happened / Then everyone clapped
DLT
There’s nothing better than waking up to the one you love / There’s nothing better than seeing them smiling back at you / Nothing comes close to the feeling you get / When you’re with the greatest person that you’ve ever met / Yeah / And for most of my life, I thought that that was true / But then I had a Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell / It’s like a regular taco but with a Dorito shell / And from the moment I ate it, I was converted for life / And now I want to make Doritos Locos Tacos my wife / Yeah / I want to make Doritos Locos Tacos my wife / I got a job with a PR firm up in NYC / Got my own corner office and a six-figure salary / The work was super easy and the hours were great / I’d always go home early after coming in late / And I figured that would be the best thing that ever happened to me / But then I tried that Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell / And I stopped going to work so I could eat for a spell / And sure, I may have gotten fired but I don’t really care / ‘Cause they’re a dollar forty-nine and I’ve got money to spare / Yeah / At that rate we’ll see how many I can cram down in there / How can one simple fast food item make me feel so complete? / Scientists combined the perfect chip / With something that can almost pass for taco meat / And every time I swallow one down / You know, I feel so alive / Who cares that I’ve had eighteen heart attacks at thirty-five?/ (At thirty-five?) / I’ve seen the Great Wall of China and the Eiffel Tower / I’ve walked the pyramids and Stonehenge and I toured Babylon / And don’t get me wrong, all that stuff was okay / But looking back on it, they mostly got in the way / Of all the times I could have run for the border / And place a whole ‘nother order / And woke up in a pile of wrappers on my lawn / I love Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell / They raised my serotonin level and helped my sense of smell / Though I’m completely stained orange now, I can never go back / I’d literally go down on anyone for just one more snack / Have you had the Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell? / My entire life up until I had one was basically hell / And as far as I’m concerned, they’re the most perfect thing / Except for maybe those chicken fries from Burger King / Or this one other place I went to with these buffalo wings / Hey, could somebody call an ambulance? / My arm kind of stings
Netflix And Chill
You know, sometimes a fly honey comes over to your crib / Thinkin’ one thing’s gonna happen / But that ain’t what’s going on at all, baby / Girl, I’ve been waiting so long / To get you over to my place so we could hang out / I lit some candles just to set the mood / So we could curl up with each other in the middle of the couch / I know I said I’d put on Netflix / And we could turn on any program that you want to watch / But just imagine my surprise when / Twenty minutes into Bojack you start reaching for my crotch / Girl, this is not why I invited you to come here / I figured we would just watch Kimmy Schmidt and drink some beer / You know I’m sure that you could give me quite a thrill / But I literally want to Netflix and chill / I’m not that kind of guy / Netflix and chill / Hey, I even made us popcorn / That we could snack on during Mystery Science Theater / So you can see why it’s annoying / That you keep grinding on me while I’m watching Making A Murderer / How can I focus on Stranger Things / If you keep shoving your tits directly in my face? / I’m really starting to question / What your motivation is for coming over in the first place / Girl, I admit that what you’re doing is making me hot / But there’s no way that you could blow me and still follow the plot / That would take an insane amount of skill / It would be so much easier to Netflix and chill / That’s really more how I Netflix and chill / When you said that you were bored you tried to drag me to bed / I just figured that we’d switch over to Hulu instead / I should have asked you to leave then changed the locks / When you took off your dress and grabbed my hand / And shoved it in your Bird Box / Why the hell’d you bring a condom / To what I very clearly stated was a kickback? / And then you tried to jerk me off to / One of those lesbian shower scenes in Orange Is The New Black / I was so hopeful when you finally said / That you’d put on your favorite show and stop harassing me / But then you clicked over to Fuller House / And so I grabbed your stuff and threw you out immediately / Oh / This night turned out to be a massive waste of my time / Assault is bad enough but Fuller House is crossing the line / I can’t believe that you would watch that kind of swill / I’ll never have you over again to Netflix and chill / I’ll give you thirteen reasons why / Netflix and chill / I would rather watch Queer Eye / Netflix and chill / I kind of hope you fucking die / Netflix and chill
Customer Service
Hello and welcome to McDonald’s / May I take your order / I can’t hear you / Please speak right into the speakerbox or roll your window down / No I’m sorry sir / We don’t carry the Whopper / That’s a different fast food restaurant / I do apologize for the confusion / Even though we’ve had the same menu since 1955 / No, we don’t have the McRib / So you want a chicken sandwich / With a burger patty as a substitution for the chicken patty / That’s just called a burger / We still don’t have the McRib / No I’m sorry sir / We don’t take Wendy’s gift cards / That’s another other place / This is your third time asking about the McRib / Please pull forward to the pay window / Yes sir, you have to pay for this / Your total comes to / Wait, I guess he drove away now / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / Thank you for calling Verizon / May I verify your password? / No I can’t give you a hint / This is a password you supposedly picked out / It says here this is your eighth time calling in today / Regarding something on your cell phone bill/ Ma’am it seems that someone on your family plan downloaded forty-seven ringtones / And went through your data stash / Streaming Alec Baldwin’s podcast / I’m not making accusations but our data doesn’t lie / While I’ve got you on the line / It seems you haven’t paid your bill in half a year / I’m afraid that I can’t credit your account for all the ringtones / But as a one time-courtesy / I can offer a data bundle upgrade / So you won’t get hit with overages on your next bill / I’m sorry ma’am / Yes, please hold for my supervisor / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / How are you this fine evening? / I hope that you’re in a good mood / Thank you for picking me up / It’s really cold out and this outfit doesn’t help / Anyway, it’s fifty dollars for a blowjob / But it’s extra if you want to cum in my mouth / Which I figure that you might / Yes sir, my ass is an option / That’s two hundred / Provided you have protection / And I don’t do ass to mouth / I don’t care if Hector does it / Everybody has their limits / Just because I’m out here hooking doesn’t mean that I’ll do anything for cash / I’m not haggling with you / Because I have to give my pimp a cut of whatever I make / Well then you can go find Hector for all I care / Or I’ll suck you off for sixty / I know I said fifty earlier / But now it’s more ‘cause you’re an asshole / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / This motherfucker right here / This is customer service / It’s stupid that people in menial jobs / Are forced to put up with garbage from the assholes they’re trying to help / Just because you’ve got a Kate Gosselin haircut / Doesn’t mean you have to ask for a manager / Every time you leave the house / Stop requesting shit we don’t have / Stop chewing us out for shit we can’t control / I’m getting a fucking office job / So I never have to deal with you again
She’s A Ginger
When she walks down the street she’s turning heads / All the boys on the corner / They leer and heckle / At her bright green eyes, all big and soulless / And her body covered up with a bunch of freckles / Every time she comes around everybody stares / At her ivory complexion and monochrome lips / But they can’t look right at her ‘cause her Irish tan / Is gonna burn through their retinas like an eclipse / She’s got the potential to get a little violent / If you call her by the name that stems from Gilligan’s Island / She’s a ginger / Yes, she’s a ginger / And when she comes along / You know she’s gonna make the scene / And everywhere she goes / She’s just one big recessive gene / She’s covered in sunscreen / ‘Cause she’s a ginger / She could be a body double for Carrot Top / Or maybe an assistant for a supermodel / But she spends a lot of time being pissed about / The girls who get their red hair from out of a bottle / Now, she still gotta look her very best / She’s got a clutch full of blush and a ton of mascara / But she can’t put on too much or else / She’s gonna look like David Bowie from the Ziggy era / She’s mostly happy with her oranges and reds / ‘Cause she’d look like the little mermaid if she cut off both her legs / She’s a ginger / (She’s a ginger) / Oh what a ginger / (Oh, what a ginger) / And when she goes out on the town / The guys can’t keep from flirtin’ / Asking her ad nauseum if the carpet matches the curtains / All they know for certain’s she’s a ginger / Time for obligatory / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Nas / She carries an umbrella with her at all times / She’s got the melanin levels of a sick albino / Then she ends up getting sunburned anyway / And if you ask her why, she’ll say, “Hell if I know” / No doubt in her mind that she’s something special / She’s the product of hereditary mutation / But she’s living her life to the fullest because / Her kind is gonna die out in a few generations / Not all redheads are alike / They’re hard to pigeonhole / But it’s still common knowledge that they’ll steal your fucking soul / She’s a ginger / (She’s a ginger) / She’s quite a ginger / (She’s quite a ginger) / She rarely goes out in the sun / But when she does, she’s squintin’ / She’s fun like the Mythbusters guys and weird like Tilda Swinton / She’s a ginger / (She’s a ginger) / The biggest ginger / (That fucking ginger) / And when she hits the floor / You’re gonna notice every detail / And every day she thanks the lord / That she was born a female / She’s really goddamn pale / ‘Cause she’s a ginger / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Nas / Some more obligatory / Na na na na na / Na na na / Perfunctory / Na na na na na / Na na na / Unnecessary/ Na na na na na / Na na na na na na / Nas /
Mind The Stepchildren
As you wander down the winding roads and passages of life / You’ll learn so many lessons / And you’ve got to value every single one / But sometimes they can tend to be a little overwhelming / And by the time you’ve learned them / You’ll find that the mistake’s already done / Don’t run while holding scissors / Don’t prank call the police / Don’t ever spend your hard-earned cash on Chainsmokers CDs / Don’t get into a stranger’s car / And don’t go sniffing glue / But boys and girls all around the world / There’s one thing you must do / You gotta cup the balls / It’s really, really, really important / Cup the balls / I’m talking ‘bout your mutual enjoyment / Cup those balls / Sometimes it’ll even get you employment / It’s the perfect way to let your boyfriend know / That you love him so / Hi / Now, there are folks who’ll argue the fellatio’s enough / They’ll say that with a handjob / There’s no need to venture any further south / But I propose that jerks and blows are much more satisfying / The moment that you start to mind the stepchildren / And put them in your mouth / Just grab them like maracas while you’re playing with his flute / They’re already in front of you and so there’s no commute / And when you hold those precious jewels / You’re basically his master / And if you’re in a time crunch / It’ll make him cum way faster / You need to cup the balls / I swear that I’m not kidding about this / Cup the balls / Then he’ll understand how awesome your mouth is / Cup those balls / It won’t be long before he starts howlin’ / If you don’t understand why they’re worth the handful / Well, here’s an example / When you move into a new city / And you’ve found yourself a home / You gotta / Go and introduce yourself to the neighbors on your block / Well, this is like a housewarming party / With slightly fewer guests / And instead of green bean casserole / You’ve got testicles and cock / Hi / You’ll never be complete until the moment that you’ve tried it / If you get bored of one ball / There’s another one beside it / There’s nothing better in the world to quench his lustful fires / Some guys say they don’t care for it / But they’re all fucking liars / So please cup the balls / I hope that you’ve been paying attention / If you cup the balls / One day he’ll probably buy you a mansion / Cup those balls / Even lesbians have strap-on extensions / If you ever want him at your beck and call / You gotta cup the balls / Cup the balls / Cup those balls / If you really want to understand it all / You better get on the ball
Forgive And Forget
Once / There was a singer named Chris Brown / And he smacked his pop star girlfriend in the face / He said he didn’t do it / But the pictures fucking prove it / So he was charged with felony assault / And he somehow got the girl he beat to plead his case / She gave him lots of pity / Made them both look pretty shitty / Within a couple years / We all disregarded what he’d done / In fact, the next two garbage albums he crapped out / Went straight to number one / Forgive and forget / Whatever will be will be / Sometimes you have to just sit back / And roll with the punches, quite literally / Forgive and forget / That’s really all we can do / Apparently that ass deserved a pass / If Rihanna didn’t mind being black and blue / Mel Gibson was an action movie star / But he drank until his brain was on the fritz / Derogatory comments he would shout between his vomits / He said the Jews were to blame for every war / And he even called a policewoman “Sugartits” / That might seem complimentary if he’d still been in his twenties / But since those cold remarks / It seems the world has cleaned his slate / Who cares about that vitriol / When the prick might bring us Lethal Weapon eight? / Forgive and forget / We’re giving him amnesty / Even though making a film about killing Christ / Is a pretty fucking rotten apology / Forgive and forget / It’s water under the bridge / ‘Cause homophobia and anti-Semitism / Are a small price to pay for Hacksaw Ridge / Kobe was a rapist / But he kept on dribbling / Angelina is a superstar / Even though she fucked her sibling / Paula Deen said the N-word / And she barely got questioned / While Elvis fingered preteens / And he’s a goddamn legend / Woody Allen married his daughter / But no one would bust him / R. Kelly pulled so much shit / That I could write a song about just him / Tom Edison got a museum / After stealing every idea he had / George Washington kept a bunch of slaves / But now he’s still our country’s fucking dad / Forgive and forget / We might as well let it go / All the ugly molesters are serving time / But it’s just fine when it’s James Franco / Forgive and forget / Let bygones be bygones / We’re destined to forever have a memory lapse / ‘Cause these people put the “con” in “icons” / “Con” in “icons” / “Con” in “icons” / And fuck Gweneth Paltrow
CPA
Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Hey / I been livin’ my life as a CPA / Since way back in the day / Earning my pay pushin’ papers / I’m all up in them skyscrapers / Helpin’ out people with their monetary capers / I’m lending ends to my friends / And earning them dividends / Always accompany their companies / Keeping track of the money they spend / W-2, W-4, I-9, 1040, 1099-C, 1099-G, 1099 fuckin’ D to the IV / Going through inventory / And shareholder equity / Just get me coffee and I’m off on an itemized deduction spree / Keeping track of cash flow / When I’m not playing golf with the CFO / Pull it up on my Blackberry / While I’m flirting with his secretary / Auditors snorting every morning but I just ignore ‘em / They’d be happy to cap me / Because I do their job for ‘em / Yeah / Reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits / I’m reconciling credits and debits and credits and debits / I’m reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits / Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Master’s degree, AR, AP / Free enterprise, expensive ties / While y’all be sleeping / I’m bookkeeping, barely eating / Completing presentations for the next team meeting / Gotta be Microsoft Office Suite-ing / Powerpoint and Excel / I run those mothers like hell / Coworkers callin’ me up for advice like I was Alexander Graham Bell / Crunching numbers on my Dell / Ten-keying by sense of smell / Employee of the month, got covered parking / At my whiteboard dry erase marking / Business trips and stock tips / Making ducks out of paper clips / Only push one button / Everything running off of macros and scripts / Never ever gonna go into the red / ‘Cause I’m always gonna wanna chill in the black / Gotta get that revenue back / Even if the Roth IRA is wack / Got a blazer with the elbow patch / Laminated security badge / 401K’s employer-funded / Gotta keep my ass here in the Fortune 500 / And I’m reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits / I’m reconciling credits and debits and credits and debits / I’m reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits / Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Month-end, time crunch, drinking my lunch / Liquid assets, office pool bets / And I’m gonna mitigate a marketing meeting / And I’m gonna mitigate a marketing meeting / And I’m gonna mitigate a / Gonna mitigate a / Gonna mitigate a marketing meeting / Gonna mitigate a / Gonna mitigate a / Gonna mitigate a marketing meeting / My cubicle location is covered in certifications and plaques / Got an AM radio station playin’ to help me relax / Got annotations and calculations on your income tax / Even when I’m takin’ vacation / I’ll send your loans in a fax / I can print a million papers / And shuffle them up, I’m a collator / A general ledger coordinator / And I don’t need any dumb red stapler / I’m a bookkeeper, minesweeper / Until I dance with the reaper / Long as nobody finds out / That you can download Quicken for cheaper / Wake up, commute, clock in, compute / Get up, audit, payroll, profit / Statement account, got fresh amounts / See you right here next fiscal year / Yeah
2 Nrrdy 4 Me
I was wandering aimlessly around ComiCon / The first time I saw you there in your cosplay / You were basically naked except for your bubblegum hair / I assumed you were from some kind of anime / But since we’ve gotten together / I can’t help but notice you’re a bit on the nerdy side / And the more I’m around you, the sadder it gets / And I’m starting to wish I had twelve-sided died / And I’m tired of keeping track of all your stupid goddamn fandoms / And I’m tired of hearing all about how Thor is fucking handsome / Even the inventor of Magic: The Gathering would agree / That you’re way too nerdy for me / You won’t shut up about which Doctor’s the best / Or which Harry Potter house you’d get sorted into / And when you’re on hour six of telling me why / The Blob would defeat Juggernaut / I just want to choke you / Every time you call me the Mulder to your Scully / I can’t help but think that you’re the worst / And there’s no amount of persuasion on your part / That will make me care whether Han shot first / And I’m tired of trying to understand your D&D campaigning / And I’m tired of your Bazinga shirts and live action roleplaying / Even the asshole who rebooted Fantastic Four would agree / That you’re way too nerdy for me / When I asked you what you wanted us to be / You said, “PC master race” / When I told you that I belonged to you / You responded, “All your base” / When I wanted to be your hero / You made me dress up like Spiderman / When I wanted to go to a party with you / I didn’t mean fucking LAN / I won’t argue with you about whether Adam West / Was a better Batman than Michael Keaton / And no matter how many times you bring up his name / I still don’t know a damn thing about Wil Wheaton / And you can’t afford to go out ‘cause you’re constantly / Buying Star Trek figures until you overdraft / So we’re always forced to stay in and every night / I’m stuck there watching you play World of Warcraft / Or Minecraft / Or reading about H.P. Lovecraft / You write more fan letters to George R R Martin / Than any sane person would allow / And I’m pretty sure Benedict Cumberbatch / Has a restraining order against you by now / And I’m tired of Aragorn the brave and Legolas the archer / And I’m tired of dressing up in drag and watching Rocky Horror / And I’m tired of you explaining why Serenity was artful / And I’m tired of ninjas versus pirates and DC versus Marvel / Even Felicia Day and Enji Night would agree / And maybe one day you’ll take off your Oculus Rift and see / That you’re way too nerdy for me / You’re way too nerdy for me
Save The World
We all have moments when we get down / And there’s nothing that we can do / Sometimes it almost seems as if the world gangs up on you / It feels like an uphill battle / Struggling just to be around / But you gotta get back on your feet / Don’t take this lying down / Get up / Then get back down and put your laptop on your lap / Just get online and start to post some inspirational crap / You can save the world with good intentions / You don’t actually have to do anything / Just like or share or mention / ‘Cause we all can change for the better using minimal repairs / You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and prayers / Everyone will want to vote with you if you wear a certain color shirt / They won’t know what they’re voting for / But it probably doesn’t hurt / And the soldiers fighting overseas / Will return in massive groups / If you add an Instagram filter / That says, “Bring home our troops” / Don’t wait / Don’t hesitate to follow all the pointless trends / You can start a revolution / With all thirty-one of your Facebook friends / You can save the world like a motherfucker / Dump an ice bucket on your head / ‘Cause donating is for suckers / And we don’t need soapboxes / When we’ve got computer chairs / You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and prayers / I remember when I was a kid / It used to matter what we actually did / Because the internet had not yet gone abuzz / But then all the girls I’d met before / Started posting the colors of the bras they wore / And suddenly I was aware of what breast cancer was / Yeah, breast cancer was cured because / The women posted the color of their bras / Remember when that happened? / You can treat any virus even without a GED / Find a post that’s anti-virus and type “amen” if you agree / Yeah / You can save the world from greed and malice / ‘Cause the government counts emojis / When they get tired of counting ballots / If you’re unawares of the current affairs / You can help by not shaving your hairs / But only in November / Because otherwise nobody cares / You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and / (I’m sure you’re helping with your thoughts and prayers) / Thoughts and prayers / (You’re totally fixing stuff with thoughts and prayers) / Thoughts and prayers / (Thank god for you and all your thoughts and prayers) / Thoughts and prayers / Ah
Birth Control
Buddy, you’ve been hounding me for an eternity / “When you gonna move in? / When you gonna get married? / When you gonna procreate / A bunch of nearsighted kids / Running into shit all over the place?” / Well, have I got news for you / This little orgy of one is turning into an orgy of two / And that’s the way it’s gonna stay until the day I die / And there’s a simple fucking reason why / We don’t wanna have any children / Sing it / We don’t wanna have any children / I can sleep in on the weekends / I can take a nap in the afternoon for no reason / Go ahead and tell me how / I’m clearly missing out / On all the screaming and getting peed on / Zero is the number of times I’ve had to clean / Marker off the walls or vomit off my shirt / My songs might be my only legacy / But at least I’ll never have to stop them from eating dirt / We don’t wanna have any children / Yeah / We don’t wanna have any children / Hang on, you know what? / I’m not done yet / Traveling and bowling and going to the movies / And buying electronics and throwing axes / I can afford to do that stuff right now / Instead of claiming a dependent on my goddamn taxes / Two hundred twenty-six thousand dollars / To raise a kid from birth to seventeen and a half / That sounds a little bit steep / Besides, do you know how many puppies I could buy with that? / We don’t wanna have any children / Sing it, you bastards / We’re not gonna have any children / I’m sorry that I called you bastards / Please stop asking when we’re gonna have children / Aw, one more time / We don’t wanna have any children
Passive Aggressive Rap Battle
Whup-cha / Ha / I heard you been going all over town / Talkin’ shit about me, tryin’ to put me down / Now you know I ain’t about to let you run your mouth / I’m gonna get my revenge, we gonna hash this out / First, I’ll call you at all hours from a blocked phone line / And if you answer, I’ll hang that shit up each time / I’ll make vaguely insulting Facebook posts / And I’ll leave a bunch of snarky-ass Post-It notes / When I spit to you, you won’t understand it / All my compliments are gonna be backhanded / Like, “I love the way that you don’t care about your appearance / Ha / You’re really smart to buy your clothes on clearance” / Like the Godfather, I’m gonna send you a message / It’s a flaming bag of poop that I hope you’ll step in / And yeah, I had to pick the poop up to put it in there / But you just got punk’d, so who the fuck cares? / I’m gonna make you sorry that you ever came around / I’m gonna take your keys and push them off the table / So they fall down to the ground / I’m on you like white on rice ‘til you take your final breath / It’s a passive aggressive rap battle / Rap battle to the death / Ha / I want to take down every one of your crew / But they’re big and scary, so I’m’a stick with you / Every time you look away, I’m gonna flip you the bird / I’ll change your name in my phone to a curse word / I’ll make a drawing of you with an ugly rash / Then I’ll crumple it up and throw it right in the trash / But when you step to me, don’t you think for a second / That I’m not gonna pray that you get an infection / Look out! / I’m creepin’ on you when I’m in my ride / And I’m pretending not to see you when I’m passing by / Gonna turn your AC down three degrees / Now you’re stuck dealing with an annoying breeze / And I know that you’re gonna be pissed all day / When I turn your toilet paper roll the other way / Yo, I told you, bitch, that’s what you get for messin’ / Hopefully you’ll notice that I taught you a lesson / You’re gonna end up wishing that you never knew my name / I’ll leave an anonymous letter on your windshield / ‘Cause this shit ain’t a game / I’ll eat your chicken soup ‘til there isn’t any left / It’s a passive aggressive rap battle / Rap battle to the death / When you least expect it / I’m going to walk right up to you / And when you ask me how it’s going / I’ll say I’m doing fine / And then instead of asking how you are / I’ll turn and walk away / And when you realize just how bad I burned you / It’s going to blow your mind / It’s going to blow your mind / You wanna front with me? / I’d like to see you try / I’ll tell our mutual friends that you’re a stupid guy / And then they’ll probably want to ask me way / “Because you just are” is gonna be my reply / Ha / Why don’t you talk shit right to my face? / I would respond, but I don’t feel like it’s my place / If you wanna debate, I’m gonna be real subtle / ‘Cause I’ll mumble under my breath for my rebuttal / Or instead I’m gonna pout whenever I’m near you / If you talk to me, I’ll act like I didn’t hear you / I hope you know just who you’re fucking around with / I’ll make friends with your parents and I’ll jack your accountant / And last but not least, you’ve unleashed the beast / I’ll unplug your iron so your slacks get creased / That’s what I call getting served, motherfucker / Shouldn’t ‘a gotten on my last nerve, motherfucker / There’s nowhere left to hide, can’t mess with my resolve / I’ll fuck up your whole life / But not so much that you’ll know I was involved / I’ll sit back and imagine that you got hooked on meth / It’s a passive aggressive rap battle / Rap battle to the death / Rap battle to the death / Uh / Rap battle to the death / Whup-cha
Obsessed
It’s weird the way you’re always watching me / I can tell because I see you through the binoculars that I like to carry / You’re always texting me, I don’t know why / Just because I text you every thirty seconds / Doesn’t mean you should reply / I don’t see why I’m the one you’re passionate about / You hounded me for stealing your hair / And it kind of freaked me out / Somehow you always know each little thing I do / You’re so obsessed with me / And my obsession with you / It seems like you’re fixated all the time / Like when you cut down the tree outside your bathroom window / That I used to climb / You even hired a private investigator / He snuck up on me as I looked for the receipt in your garbage later / Your infatuation with me is out of control / I see you rant about it / Every time I stare through your keyhole / If I hadn’t glued us together, I bet you would have tried it too / You’re so obsessed with me / And my obsession with you / And she says all sorts of stuff about me / She’s always breaking my balls / I know ‘cause I can hear her / When I’m taping her phone calls / You know, sometimes you can be such a creep / I can barely touch my body pillow / That looks like you when I fall asleep / It got so bad I had to call the cops / They said my restraining order will go into effect / The moment yours stops / I’m getting worried that you mean to cause me harm / Thank god I paid that guy to sew a tracking chip into your arm / I can’t believe you stole my journal where I scribbled down your name the whole way through / You always mess with me / Please get undressed with me / You get the best of me / Those cops arrested me / You’re so obsessed with me / And my obsession with you / My obsession with you
Your Changing Body
The world can be confusing and eternally strange / And nothing’s weirder than the way our bodies all change / But if you’re a female and you don’t have a clue / Who better than a male singer-songwriter to enlighten you? / It all starts when you turn about twelve or thirteen / And blood begins gushing out of your lady-peen / As your fallopian lining starts to wither and shed / It makes you act like a dick and turns your underwear red / Then your eggs get all antsy and symbolically shout / For however many days until you poop them all out / Then they replenish themselves in about half an hour / And so your womanhood is coming / And you probably need to go shower / Oh, your changing body / Is no reason to be scared / If you heed my legit explanation of it / Then you’ll be well-prepared / Ha / As time progresses through your period’s term / You’ll start to have an unrelenting craving for sperm / So you’ll find yourself a fella who’s chock full of it / And put some on your ovaries and rub the rest on your clit / That’s when a baby starts growing deep inside of your boobs / And your embryotic fluid will seep into your shoes / And like two years later you can crap the kid out / And he’ll be carrying your eggs / So you’ve got one less thing to worry about / Oh, your changing body / It happens to everyone / And as a guy who will never have to give any birth / I clearly know how it’s done / Ha, ha, ha, ho / I’ve dedicated a whole semester to learning all about this stuff / You know, there’s no need to thank me / Just shutting up and listening is more than enough / It’s beyond incredible to take in all these facts / Like the plural of “labia” is also “labia” / Just how crazy is that? / Eventually a bunch of little kids have transpired / And your vaginal period will start to get tired / Your cervix and your vulva will switch back and forth / And your nipples will get achy, always pointing due north / And finally on your birthday when you turn forty-nine / A Jackson Pollack painting will spray out of your ‘gine / The men living in your uterus will be brutally killed / And your ultimate destiny as a woman is completely fulfilled / Oh, your changing body / You’ve probably got it wrong / But even when your mons falls off / At least you’ll have this song / Oh, your changing body / Can cause so much ineptitude / But now you’re aware of exactly what you should prepare to expect / All thanks to a dude / You’re welcome from a dude / I mean me, I’m a dude / I know it’s awfully crude / But there’s no need to be rude
A Day At The Gym
Hello elderly man riding topless on a bike / Hello elderly man riding topless on a bike / You’re seventy-four but you’re ripped and proud of what you look like / So, hello elderly man riding topless on a bike / Hello lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill / Hello lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill / If you don’t pretend you’re important right now / Then nobody will / Fuck off, lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill / Hello dude showing off to his buddies with the weights / Hello dude showing off to his buddies with the really heavy weights / Good luck spending the rest of your life wearing a neck brace / Sorry there, dude showing off to his buddies with the weights / Hello old woman reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical / Hello old woman reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical / I don’t know for sure but I bet it’s frowned upon / To play with your nipple / But have a blast, old woman reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical / Hello TV airing Harry Connick Jr on his talk show / Hello TV airing Harry Connick Jr on his talk show / Who the hell would watch something like that? / I honestly don’t know / I have no idea why Harry Connick Jr has a talk show / Hello girl with a leotard on doing squats / Hello girl with a leotard on doing squats / If you’re not aware, the whole gym can see right up your twat / You may want to consider changing or not doing squats / There are so many interesting characters to see at the gym / There’s a guy with a neck tattoo of Alf / I’m glad I’m not him / There’s a chick with a stroller / Her baby’s nowhere to be seen / And somebody just threw up on the rowing machine / Hello guy in the locker room blow-drying his balls / Hello guy in the locker room blow-drying his balls / You’re here every day / But I don’t think I’ve ever seen you work out at all / See you tomorrow, guy in the locker room blow-drying his balls / Goodbye former fat guy staring at me in the mirror / Goodbye former fat guy staring at me in the mirror / You’ve put in so much effort for the last couple years / You’ve pushed yourself so hard that it could bring you to tears / I think I’ll stop for pizza on the way home from here / Hello again former fat guy staring at me in the mirror / Good to see you again, former fat guy staring at me in the mirror
Fuck Off And Die 2 (Bonus Track)
If you dress like you're a Veteran, but actually you're not / Then please fuck off and die / If the only thing you talk about is how much you smoke pot / Then please fuck off and die / If you're an adult Caucasian male who's growing out dreadlocks / If your go-to karaoke song is "Picture" by Kid Rock / If your write-in candidate is just a drawing of a cock / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die / If taking up three parking spots is your idea of fun / Then please fuck off and die / If you think McDonald's being bad is news to anyone / Then please fuck off and die / If you use a public toilet and you don't bother to flush / If you brush your teeth and brush your hair but only use one brush / If you're at somebody's funeral and you're playing Candy Crush / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die, I'm not being wry / If you think that I'll change my mind then you must be high / Just die, you could at least try / Everybody would be better off if you would fuck off and die / If you're at Guitar Center playing "Stairway To Heaven" / If your very favorite hobby's finding children to abduct / If the only friend you've ever made is an AK-47 / If the reason you hate Hitler is because his paintings sucked / If you drive without your seatbelt 'cause you don't like how it feels / Then please fuck off and die / If you voted Donald Trump 'cause you relate to his ideals / Then seriously, fuck off and die / If your blog is all about how you won't vaccinate your kids / If the domain for the website that you built ends with "dot biz" / If you say that you hate gluten but you don't know what gluten is / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die, I wish you'd comply / I hope that you get murdered by that El Chapo guy / Just die, you know damn well why / I'll wish and pray for all my days that you get cancer of the AIDS / Or get left stranded on the moon, or get sat on by Mama June / As long as by the end of it the life's completely drained from your eye / Oh yeah / So please / Pretty fucking please / Fuck off and die
All lyrics written by Scott Gesser. © 2020 Apparently This Is Music.