Because it's expensive to publish lyrics in liner notes, here are all of the lyrics for the songs on Medium Pimpin'.
Bitches Be Cray
I know we just started dating, but I'm changing my last name to yours / And I don't want you hangin' 'round other girls, because they're all fucking whores / I've got a list of concrete things in my head / That I'm'a need you to do to keep me from getting angry at you / But why on earth would I consider revealing anything that I'm feeling? / You should be able to know what you're dealing with / And every single goddamn day women behaving this way / And all that I have to say is bitches be cray / I know we can't afford a baby but my biological clock is ticking / If you agree to get me pregnant, that's the only way I'm taking your dicking / And by the way, I took a look at your phone while you were out of the room / Who's this "mom" lady that you've been talking to? / Hang on, I've got a call from my ex / You know he usually texts / This must be urgent, so let's take a rain check for sex / And if I say they're looking okay they get all up in my face / Asking how much I think that they weigh 'cause bitches be cray / Bitches be c-c-c-cray / Now, I'm not saying that it's every single woman who's irrational / 'Cause that idea alone would be irrational too / But there are women who are furious because they think you're cheating / And the truth is the entire time they're cheating on you / They think the way that men behave in any dumb romantic comedy / Is actually the way men should behave in real life / And if you totally believe your girlfriend isn't out to get you / And her jealousy and growing cat collection don't upset you / And you'd take her to a jewelry store the moment that she'd let you / Then I wish you lots of luck with your insane fucking wife / I've got a list of names picked out for when we have a little bundle of joy / I like the sound of Slobba-Bofa 'cause it works if it's a girl or a boy, woo / And I'll assume you've done something wrong / Because you bought me some flowers / And I can interrogate you for hours / I only want to be your very best friend / So you should tell all your other friends that you're never going to see any of them / Ever again / I hope that you're all taking away the point I've tried to convey / If you go into the fray, you better damn well obey / And in the meantime I'll pray that you will realize someday / That bitches be cray / Bitches be cray, cray, cray, cray, cray / Bitches be c-c-c-cray / But on the other hand they smell extremely nice / Now please let go of my balls
Freudian Slip
You're always texting me but I can't understand a word you're saying / In an emergency I still can't comprehend what you're relaying / 'Cause you're trying to explain that I should meet you for dinner / But it comes out ass-backwards and mostly misspelled / And the message says that I should make you a doghouse / And I'm left sitting there thinking, "What in the hell?" / Your SMS messages are driving me crazy / And it won't be too long 'til I officially flip / Because you never correct them and you might just be lazy / Or maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian slip / Sure, they've invented Swype to make it easier to send a message / I don't believe the hype (hype) 'cause all of your haikus are just depressin' / You're all, "Hey taco milk fart, Magneto in diapers" / And then I'm supposed to get a meaning from that / I've spent hours upon hours just trying to decipher / The one where you told me you hooked up with your cat / Your SMS messages are driving me crazy / They're the modern-day version of bad penmanship / What the fuck do you mean by "I've been eating a baby"? / Perhaps that messed up thing you said is actually a Freudian slip / I wonder if you even know what you're doing when you try to send a message to me / 'Cause typing "wood hooking" over and over / Isn't something I'd anticipate from someone with a college degree / And every time I see my notification light blinking / I don't know what I should expect / Whether you're cleaning your bowels or just a series of vowels / And you don't even have an iPhone so you can't blame it on auto-correct / Aw, auto-correct / Mother-ducking auto-correct / I could fill up a book with all your malapropisms / And I get that your phone is new and frightening to you / But I feel like you might need a good exorcism / When you say in all caps that you're beheading the Jews / Jesus Christ! / Your SMS messages are driving me crazy / Your texting privileges need to be revoked / You're ranting about eggplants, and then Patrick Swayze / And I really would like some of whatever you've smoked / Yeah, your SMS messages are driving me crazy / And I'm wondering if you're waiting for the mothership / You accidentally sent me a donation to Haiti / Or maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian slip / So many Freudian slips / Maybe you should just talk with your lips / Yeah, maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian
Dear Scott,
Dear Scott, I'm writing to you from the seventh grade / For an assignment that our teacher made everyone do today / I'm excited for the future, it's going to be great / Dear Scott, I'm doing well in school but math is hard / I'd rather go outside and play on the swings or Magic The Gathering / Do you ever get to play with your collection or cards? / Dear Scott, you and I both know you just play by yourself / That's why in eighth grade I threw out all those cards and math isn't hard / Because I use a calculator just like everyone else / You can be anything you want to be / I'm an accountant / You can see everything you want to see / I once hit the mountains / And by that I mean I did my laundry / Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me / Dear Scott, I've got the biggest crush on Lauren Brock / She's got to be the cutest girl in school / She's so pretty and cool / Did you ever ask her out or walk her down to the dock? / Dear Scott, no, I never went out with Lauren Brock / I was too busy getting shoved in the halls, sometimes kicked in the balls / And getting stuffed into my locker and then having it locked / You can eat at the finest restaurants / I just bought a Slurpee / You can date any woman that you want / My ex gave me herpes / And then backed my Hyundai into a tree / Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me / In the future, are we still taking family pictures? / No, dad went in for surgery and now he goes by "Cheryl" / Did mom and dad ever give you a little baby sister? / No, mom went off the deep end when she found out dad was sterile / Do you still catch lightning bugs? / No, but I'm mostly coping / Do you still say no to drugs? / I'm assuming you're joking / I wish that I could be a grown-up 'cause I'm sick and tired of waiting / Well, the road to adulthood is paved with masturbating / The future's going to be so fu… / …cking waste of time / Dear Scott, I often dream of what the future is like / Do they have apartments that reach up to the stars? / Do they have flying cars? / I can't wait to drive around instead of riding my bike / Dear Scott, the future hasn't really changed a whole lot / My car was repossessed for failure to pay / And oh, by the way / I sold that bike for thirty bucks so I could buy pot / I bet you probably grew up to be tall / No, but I have man-boobs / And you get to drive yourself to the mall / I'm browsing PornTube / Or sometimes I'll watch The Mighty Ducks 3 / Golly gee, you can do anything you want to do / TV dinner for one / And your weekends all belong to you / Where'd I put that shotgun? / How amazing my existence will be! / Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me / For me
Inappropriate Boner
I had a friend who was dating this girl / And they got married and they had a big wedding / And I was so excited to be the best man / But I had no idea where the night would be heading / The ceremony was beautiful / But things took a turn when I got to the reception / 'Cause I asked the bride if she wanted to dance / And as I held her in my arms I got a massive erection / It was an inappropriate boner / It's always just popping up unannounced / Big ol' inappropriate boner / It happens every time I leave the house / Well, the very next weekend my in-laws came over / And I'm not one to judge but they're really religious / And they wanted to check out the local synagogue / So I took 'em to a temple that was mighty prestigious / And as the rabbi was giving his sermon / My mother in law screamed, "Oh my God!" / And the entire congregation turned around to find / My dick a-pointin' at the sky like a divining rod / It was an inappropriate boner / It's starting to ruin my life, doggone it / Majorly inappropriate boner / The rabbi suggested I put a yarmulke on it / You know, about a month later my uncle died / So I solemnly drove to the cemetery / And all of his friends showed up dressed in black / And we all gathered 'round to watch him get buried / And as I looked at all the people who loved him / Some were wiping their eyes; some were holding back tears / And I wanted so badly to console everyone / But apparently my penis had other ideas / Another inappropriate boner / I wish that I could make it go away / Gigantic inappropriate boner / I swear I didn't take a Viagra today, goddammit / Inappropriate boner / I wish I could deflate it but I don't know how / But at least I get to hold a guitar by my waist / 'Cause I've got an inappropriate / Hugely inconsiderate / Massively unfortunate / I've got a boner right now / I've got a boner right now
Rocks
Wake up in the morning, rub the sleep out of my eyes / Put on the coffee and wait for it to perk / Take a nice long shower and brush my pearly whites / Smoke a little bit of crack, then it's time to go to work / Drivin' down the highway, listening to the radio / Woo-hoo / Traffic's backed up, hope I won't be too late / Pull into the parking garage with minutes left to go / Take another hit of crack, and I'm at my desk by eight / And I read through all my emails / And check up on my stocks / It's a lovely day, and life is great / In fact, it crack rocks / Lunch time's coming, and I don't know what to eat / I don't have any appetite, but I guess a meal couldn't hurt / Walk down to the bakery 'cause I'm craving something sweet / Two more hits of crack cocaine and a cupcake for dessert / Got a big meeting, gotta get my Power Point together / Woo-hoo / But first I'm gonna clean the baseboards and do a hundred jumping jacks / Then I stare out the window at the gorgeous summer weather / And it really makes me think, hey, I could use some crack / My boss says that he's proud of me 'cause I think outside the box / It's a lovely day, and life is great / In fact, it crack rocks / I feel amazing like there's nothing that can hold me back / Maybe it's the season or the song in my heart / On second thought, it's probably the crack / My coworker Maurice is thinking happy hour for us / I say I can't make it but I thank him just the same / I know he's just being nice to me so he can gain my trust / Then the second I turn my back, he'll steal all my cocaine / Driving back home now, stopping at the Radio Shack / Woo-hoo / Pick up a new mouse pad and a pack of batteries too / Then I slip into the alley so that I can buy more crack / Then I gotta take off so I can catch the new episode of SVU / And I forgot that I took my car there so I've gotta run a couple blocks / But it's a lovely day, and life is great / In fact, it crack rocks / Finally get to my house / My front door is unlocked / When I walk into my living room, I'm met with a surprise / All my family and friends are there and they look pretty shocked / My dad holds up a crack pipe and my mom just sort of cries / Daddy says, "Hey son, what's the meaning of this? / Woo-hoo / "You got a house full of cocaine and expect us not to care?" / I say, "Sorry everybody, I didn't mean to make you pissed" / Mom says, "If we knew you were holding, we would've asked you to share!" / And I'll tell you / It just goes to show that nothing's as it seems / Life is so much more than a series of crack pipe dreams / And you might think I'm crazy / Yeah, crazy like a fox / It's a lovely day, and life is great / In fact, it crack rocks / Woo / Woo / Woo-hoo
Wednesday Night
Going out, looking good / Driving 'round in my hood / Crank that bass, roll on dubs / Jockin' girls at the club / Gonna look all the ladies up and down / Dancing to that DJ's sound / Wishin' that tonight would never end / But I gotta be in bed by ten / 'Cause I gotta get up early for work and I need eight hours of sleep / But the night is still so young and, technically, so is the week / 'Cause it's Wednesday night / And I'm spendin' cheese, but tomorrow I got responsibilities / Yeah, it's Wednesday night / And I gotta say, this is a pretty good substitute for Saturday / Hangin' out, getting loose / No champagne, only juice / Water too, must hydrate / Plus I can't stay out late / Wanna party until the break of dawn / But I really ought to mow the lawn / And I should prob'ly cut this short / Gotta help my kid with his book report / I suppose that I could treat myself to maybe like half of a beer / By the way, I can't help but notice that there's hardly anybody here / 'Cause it's Wednesday night / And I'm spendin' cheese while everybody else is home with their families / Yeah, it's Wednesday night / And it can't be wrong, because for once the bathroom line isn't super long / Tonight I'm getting crazy and tomorrow I'll run errands / Like depositing my checks and maybe visiting my parents / When it comes to being accountable I'm pretty much a legend / The only type of E I might be taking is Excedrin / But I ain't goin' hunting for no strange / 'Less she gonna help me get an oil change / And the only shots that I want to do / Are the ones that make sure I don't get the flu / I gotta make it to the HOA meeting tomorrow, and I don't care how / I want to drink until I'm comatose, but that can wait until three days from now / 'Cause it's Wednesday night / And I'm spendin' cheese but not so much that I can't afford groceries / Yeah, it's Wednesday night / And I'm DTF / "F" stands for finishing this season of Iron Chef / 'Cause it's Wednesday night / Yeah, it's Wednesday night, y'all / It's Wednesday night, Wednesday night / Aw, it's Wednesday night
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is coming soon and I know that you're appalled / I bought you lots of presents and you said, "I wish you'd called" / I figured over all the years your character would soften / But the only thing you care about is why I don't visit more often / You don't trust any of my friends or girlfriends, simply put / But you're fine with telling strangers about the bunion on your foot / You're my Jewish mom / You're the ultimate annoyer / You're my Jewish mom / No, I don't want to be a lawyer / And we go on so many guilt trips whenever I drive / I hear you make that *gasp* sound like you think we won't survive / And I don't want to say you're cheap; I know you'll only scoff / But when I was a boy you said the tooth fairy got laid off / And if I don't pick up my phone, you'll call again and again / And even if I'm just taking out the trash, you wonder where I've been / You're my Jewish mom / And you're not like any other / You're my Jewish mom / I don't know when you'll be a grandmother / If there's ever a nuclear holocaust / The only things left will be cockroaches and you / I'm sorry I used the word "holocaust" just now / No, I don't know what I was thinking / Please don't give me another lecture about my great uncle David / Whenever I do anything, you say I'm doing it wrong / You've even tried to give me tips on how to write this song / You're always trying to feed me, pushing plate after plate after plate / And when I'm done you'll tell me that it looks like I've gained weight / But I know I owe the way I am to you, my family / And one day I'll mess up my kids the way you've damaged me / You're my Jewish mom / Now my voice is kind of straining / You're my Jewish mom / It's not easy to sing over all your complaining / My Jewish mom / And you'll always be that way / You're my Jewish mom / Have a happy, not too meshuggenah Mother's Day
Delivering Bad News Through Rap
Come on in and sit down on the living room sofa / You gotta listen to the shit that I'm gonna go over / Stop kicking your sister, quit shoving your brother / It's time to talk about what's up between me and your mother / You may have noticed that she doesn't come home at night / And when she's actually here, the bitch and I just fight / And now it's looking like our marriage has taken its course / So we're doing a trial separation that could end in divorce / Now this has nothing to do with how we feel about y'all / But she be spendin' all my cheddar, always breakin' my balls / She always stayin' out late, which is cause for alarm / And she's had more cock in her than a fucking farm / She's gonna try to tell you lies like she ain't ballin' other guys / But don't be fallin' for her not-a-cum-slut disguise / Now, I get partial custody of you two little freaks / So I'm'a pick you up from soccer practice every third week / There's so much drama in the world today / It's so hard to elucidate all of this crap / But rhythmic explanation takes the sting away / So I'm delivering bad news through rap / Yo, you've been with the company for so many years / You moved your family across the country so that you could work here / And as much as we appreciate the job that you do / Unfortunately in a month we gonna downsize you / See, them white collar ballas in the IT division / Built a program that does everything you do in your position / They got bored with that Visual Basic shit / So they opened up My Sequel and they made some shit / But don't you worry if can't get a job right away / 'Cause we be hookin' you up with that severance pay / Motherfuckas gonna shit when they see your LinkedIn / They be all, "Look at that cracka, he doin' medium pimpin'!" / Now you can holla at your boy if you need a referral / But we'll be slow to respond like a corporate turtle / And if you really get desperate, well then I'll tell you what / You can go get yourself outsourced to India / There's so much drama in the world today / It's so hard to elucidate all of this crap / But rhythmic explanation takes the sting away / So I'm delivering bad news through rap / Hey ya / Hey, what up shorty? It's your boy from the club / I know that it's been a while since I gave you some love / And I was flippin' through the contacts loaded up in my phone / And I thought that I would just call you up to see if you're home / And, hey, as long as I've got you on the line with me / You should probably know that I've got an STD / I think I got it from this ho' down on 3rd and Van Buren / But I only just now noticed the blood in my urine / When I saw them little bumps start to grow on my dick / I took my ass to the clinic 'cause I knew I was sick / And the doctor said he never seen this shit before / He be like, "Your mothafuckin' sores got mothafuckin' sores!" / So I just figured I would call you up and let you know / That you best get tested and…um…hello? / I can't believe that bitch hung up on me! / Well, she'll figure that shit out eventually, uh / There's so much drama in the world today / It's so hard to elucidate all of this crap / But rhythmic explanation takes the sting away / So I'm delivering bad news through rap / Hey ya / Whoa, hey / Hey, yo, I'm tired of singing this song
Plot Holes
The robots in Transformers are fighting in the street / And the asphalt cracks and sidewalks bend and break beneath their feet / But when they're battling on the rooftops of the city skyline / The structural integrity of the buildings is totally fine / What the fuck is that about? / The prince in Cinderella wants to try to set things right / To match a slipper with the girl he hooked up with last night / It may have fit her perfectly to show that she's the one / But it flew off in the first place when she broke into a run / What the fuck is that about? / It's about plot holes, things that don't make sense / 'Cause the folks who write the stuff we watch must think we're fucking dense / It's all about plot holes, they're totally contrived / You know, "suspension of disbelief" shouldn't be a fucking way of life / Old Charles Foster Kane was laying dying in his bed / The ominous word "Rosebud" was the last thing that he said / But how could the reporters try to figure out what they'd heard / When no one else was in there when he said the Goddamn word? / What the fuck is that about? / It's about plot holes in those movie scenes / The smallest thing can blow an entire premise into smithereens / Ridiculous plot holes keeping me up at night / If face-kicking is forbidden, how did the karate kid win that fight? / If E.T. can fly, and his ship is ten feet away / Why wouldn't he get up off his ass and then fly to it? / How did Andy Dufresne get the poster over the hole he dug in the wall / When he already crawled inside of it? / And why doesn't Bruce Willis seem to care / That the only person talking to him is a weird looking kid? / And how does Kristen Stewart keep finding work? / That one's not a plot hole / I'm just genuinely curious / When Juliet finds Romeo, her cockblock father says / That she could be with him if she forsook the Capulets / But God forbid she runs away and makes her family mad / 'Cause suicide's a fucking great alternative to that / What the Christ-sucking-shit is that about? / It's about plot holes conjured up by chumps / Like why has no one at the bus stop ever heard of Forrest Gump? / These ludicrous plot holes have made me so forlorn / That's why I usually just stick to watching Asian porn / To get away from those plot holes / Ludicrous plot holes / I'm sick and tired of plot holes / Plot holes / Plot holes
You're My Best Friend
We go together like peanut butter and jam / I like how funny you are and you like how weird I am / Every time we're together, we always have so much fun / Of all the best friends in the world, you're the very best one / I would never do anything to hurt you / And you would never hurt me / You're the person who I always trust / And nothing could ever change that for us / But if Olivia Wilde said she would sleep with me I would set fire to your hair / And I'd choke you to death for just one night with Hayden Panettiere / And if Emma Stone said that we could bone if you got attacked by a bear / Then I'd take you to the zoo and I would shove you into the bear pit then and there / You're practically a part of me / You're a mirror to my soul / Whenever we're separated, I feel like half of a whole / You're the greatest confidant that a guy could ever ask for / And I love you with all my heart, but I love starfucking more / So please try to understand me / And please don't take offense / But I'd total your car for a little romancin' / With Heather Graham or Scarlett Johansson / Yeah, I'd kick you square in the testicles to get with Zooey Deschanel / And I would murder your pets if doing that would get me in with Alexis Bledel / And if Megan Fox would show me her box if I threw you down a well / Then I'd throw you down a well so fast / And I'd see your ass in hell / Now, let me be clear about this / I'm not trying to be a jerk / I wouldn't mutilate your torso for Lucy Liu / On the off-chance it might work / But if Charlize Theron came walking by / And she said that she, Kate Upton and I / Should have a four-way with that chick from American Pie / But before we could do that, you would have to die / Even though we're practically brothers / I'd give it all up for Cobie Smulders / And I'd shoot your body full of holes / If it meant I could bang Beyoncé Knowles / So hopefully you can comprehend that the only way we wouldn't be friends / Is an extenuating circumstance / Like getting into Kaley Cuoco's pants / So if Leighton Meester would offer her keester I'd feed you to a cow / And you'd feel my rage for Ellen Page, even though she's a lesbian now / I'd run you down with a ferry and still feel merry / For Halle Berry or Katy Perry / 'Cause we're still the best pals there could ever be / As long as you don't do that shit to me / As long as you don't do that shit to me / As long as you don't do that shit to me / As long as you don't do that shit to me / Yeah, get the fucking hell away from me
Life Of The Party
Going to a party, going there alone now / Been there for a minute, time to get my phone out / I don't feel like talking, I don't want to hug you / Don't want stupid questions about what I've been up to / Then all of a sudden from over my shoulder / Someone starts to yell the word "shot" over and over / I guess it couldn't hurt to have some liquid courage / From that point on, it's like someone flipped a switch / When I get drunk, I'm the life of the party / Everybody loves me at the party / I'm antisocial until I hang out with Baccardi / 'Cause when I get drunk, I'm the life of the party / When I'm near a girl, get an obvious erection / All I have to talk about is my bug collection / But fill me up with Jack and I'll stop being sheepish / Later I'll be doing shots out of her cleavage / Beer pong in the backyard, I'm so bad at those games / Half a cup of Everclear, just call me LeBron James / Taking all my clothes off 'cause I'm going streaking / Everybody's watching / God it's good to be king / When I get drunk, I'm the life of the party / I'm the Grand Poo-bah of the party / Running 'round and drawing on sleeping people with a Sharpie / Yes, when I get drunk, I'm the life of the party / Making out with three girls in the closet And I haven't got a clue who they are / Found a guitar on the back porch / Now I'm playing "Wonderwall" for everyone / And the entire party is cheering / Even though I can't play fucking guitar / Wake up in the morning, having trouble pissing / Got a splitting headache and my wallet's missing / Dried, encrusted vomit sticking onto my face / Also it appears that I'm handcuffed to the staircase / Got a bunch of tickets, also a citation / Parking in the pool must be a violation / Teeth have all been knocked out, ears are full of bird shit / But I have to say it was totally worth it / 'Cause when I got drunk, I was the life of the party / I was more or less like Jesus at the party / Even though I feel like I've been run over by an RV / When I got drunk, I dominated that party / Jeez, that's so loud / Could you turn it down? / Ah, much better
Taylor Swift
I've spent the better part of my adult life writing stupid songs / Sometimes they're funny but they're mostly just questionable and wrong / I write about a lot of people who I know for comedy / But one thing I lament is no one's ever written about me / However, there's one option I can think of where I'd maybe have the chance / To be the subject of a song about regret or dalliance / There's only one sure way to get the tides around me to shift / I have to date Taylor Swift / I've got to date Taylor Swift / I'll treat her really well and she won't even realize there's a catch / I'll start ignoring her the moment she begins to get attached / She'll be all furious and get that doe-eyed look upon her face / Before you know it she'll be writing down my name in her blank space / I'll feel so lucky when she cuts me down and effortlessly rhymes / Or when she uses the word "never" like a hundred million times / I'd be ecstatic when she capitalizes on our rift / That's why I have to date Taylor Swift / I've got to date Taylor Swift / I don't have anything against the girl / In fact, I'd be proud / To be lambasted along with the other dudes that she's plowed / I can't convey the joy a catchy tune about me would bring / I'd try it with Jennifer Aniston, but she doesn't sing / I'm not a player / Not a hater / Just a guy with a hope / That she'll be slanderous against me as a method to cope / And when I finally hear that song, I'll be the belle of the ball / Along with Taylor Lautner, Harry Styles and Joe Jonas and John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal / Jake Gyllenhaal / I guess she might be nice to date 'cause she's legitimately cute / But since I'll only piss her off it seems the point is kind of moot / Some folks will prob'ly hate my guts, and when they see me, they'll just scoff / I might feel bad at first but then I'll do my best to shake it off / To this sick boat? / She'll say that she knew I was trouble from the moment I walked in / She'll get a Grammy, I'll get famous, and so everybody wins / I could go on and on but by now I'm sure you get the drift / Aw, yes, I have to date Taylor Swift / I've got to date Taylor Swift / Please date me, Taylor Swift / I have got to date Taylor Swift / It's a hate story / Baby, just say yes
Black Leather Couch
Baby, you're such a sweet fine thing / And there's nothing I want more than to treat you right / So why don't you take the bus on over to my place / And when I get you alone, we'll be makin' love all night / Baby, I know that you've got big dreams / Like makin' lots of money and getting notoriety too / And I'm the man who's gonna make those dreams come true / But if you want that kind of future, there's only one thing you can do / Get on my black leather couch and take off your blouse / 'Cause a fluorescent-lit conference room is way more sexy than a house / Hop on that black leather couch and drop your jeans to the floor / And whatever you do, don't think about how many people have fucked here before / Aw, baby, I'm ready for you right now / And I've got these video cameras set up every which where / 'Cause there's nothing more important in achieving your life goals / Than a money shot of my semen as it lands in your hair / Right on my black leather couch, from the moment I spied you / I didn't care what's on your surface / I want the whore that's inside you / On my black leather couch, now girl, you're gonna be famous / Provided you can fit this baseball bat in your anus / There's nothing in the world that's going to help your ambition / Like getting plowed for money under the guise of an audition / And as soon as this goes viral, fame and fortune will be coming your way / Just don't ask me for a 401K / Baby, I need you to concentrate / You see, licking my taint is what's going to get you your big break / And then I'll call in my slutty friend Marie / And don't worry when she squirts on you, because the leather's mostly fake / Here on my black leather couch, please look deep in my eyes / If the angle doesn't work it might take a couple dozen tries / And I hope that you're proud of this prospect to screw / 'Cause I would literally bang anyone, but I'm here banging you / Upon that black leather couch I'm gonna drown you in lube / Then I'll hand you fifty bucks and post this thing up on PornTube / On my black leather couch we're having hot, nasty sex / Now on your way out, please send in whoever's next / On my black leather couch / Ooh / On my black leather couch / Mmm
Hangry
I've never been so miserable in all my life / I'm going to snap any minute now / I've been tortured and pushed to a breaking point / Far worse than anyone in their right mind should allow / You see, I haven't eaten since this morning and I need some fucking food / Maybe an hour ago it wasn't such a problem yet / But I have found as time has passed / That some kind of morsel or a snack is what I need / And if I don't get to eat soon, it's going to be somebody's ass / I'm going to act like an asshole all goddamn day / I'm going to bitch and complain 'til I get my way / And there ain't no man alive who can pacify me / 'Cause this is what happens when I get hangry, yeah / Since no one seems to care about my hunger pangs / And no one feels like we have to rush / I guess no one will mind if I start crying like a colicky infant / And calling people names that would make Samuel L. Jackson blush / I'm going to stick out my tongue and make raspberries / And I'll scream until I burst some capillaries / So unless someone takes the time to feed me / It'll only get worse as I grow more hangry, yeah / It's amazing the things you can get away with as a fully-functioning adult / As long as you explain that all you've eaten today are some crackers and a packet of salt / You can treat people like shit and they won't blame you one bit / Because they probably were once in your shoes / And they were willing to murder someone for just a frankfurter / 'Cause when you say hello to hanger/ You also say goodbye to your fuse / So now somebody better get me to a snack bar / Or I'll run some motherfuckers down with my car / And there's not a single jury that would convict me / 'Cause all I'd have to say is that I got hangry / People walking on eggshells whenever I'm with 'em / I just wish that those shells had some fucking eggs in 'em / And when I finally get a decent meal inside me / Then we'll reset the clock until I get hangry again / It's only a matter of time before I'm hangry again, ooh / Ha ha ha ha ha
Fuck Off And Die
If you spend your every weekend wearing just a hooded sheet / Then please fuck off and die / If you say you're vegetarian except when you eat meat / Then please fuck off and die / If you try to name your children after inanimate objects / If you think that pulling out's the only way to have safe sex / If you've ever made a Facebook page for someone else's pets / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die / If the color of somebody's phone is meaningful to you / Then please fuck off and die / If you ever moved to Kansas and nobody forced you to / Then please fuck off and die / If trying to work a light switch leaves you feeling all perplexed / If your only friends are characters you made in Everquest / If we're riding in the same car and you're sending me a text / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die / Just say your goodbye / And go back to your seventeenth year of junior high / Just die / I don't want to lie / It'd make us so much happier if you would fuck off and die / If your first name is Richard and your last name is Santorum / If your DVR is nothing but When Animals Attack / If everything you've ever read begins, "Dear Penthouse Forum" / If you have anything nice to say regarding Nickelback / If you like to diddle little boys who show up at your parish / Then please fuck off and die / If you spend each day on a crusade to try and ban gay marriage / Then please won't you fuck right off and die / If you're in a public bathroom and you're talking while you pee / If we're in a public bathroom and you interact with me / If the most you've gotten out of life is Hepatitis C / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die / Thanks for stopping by / Stop getting all your stupid in our water supply / Just die / I can't help but cry / I don't want to be unreasonable but if it would be feasible / I know that we'd be pleased with you if you'd get a disease or two / And fall into a coffin and then we should ship you off to Versailles / So please / Pretty, pretty please / Fuck off and die / What do you think? / Eh
The Tinder Song
I'm tired of checking out Match.com / 'Cause it's too expensive to look / And I'm not unique enough for Geek 2 Geek / Hell, I don't even own a single book / I'm not a Christian single / And I'm not Jewish enough for J-date / And I don't want to kiss the people on Craigslist / 'Cause I can't tell if they're real or fake / E-Harmony is stupid and so is OK Cupid / I don't really want a relationship / I just want to hook up when I feel like it / So I got myself a Tinder account / And said farewell to romance / And now wherever I go, right away I know / If someone wants to get into my pants / Now, whenever I turn that app on / It fulfills my every wish / In a couple of minutes I can get all up in it / Try getting that done on Plenty Of Fish / I don't need to be Prince Charming / No, I only need to be nearby / And if someone says that I'm a match / I can spend that night between her thighs / You might call me a slut, and to that I say "So what?" / If some random lady wants to sit on me / Who gives a damn about compatibility? / Yes, I love this lovely Tinder account / And I feel like I'm always in luck / 'Cause I don't have the patience for a conversation / To find out if a girl is down to fuck / And I'm always getting updates and reminders / Shoo-bee-doo-wah / And I light up when I hear that notification ring / Ding-a-ling / Just make sure you don't accidentally use Grindr / Unless, you know, you're into that kind of thing / Oh, I'm obsessed with my new Tinder account / I'm amazed at what it can do / So next time I'm in your neck of the woods / I might stick my dick in you / Oh yeah / I might stick my dick in you / Yee-haw / If Tinder says you want me to / Well, I might just stick my dick into you / Yeah!
All lyrics written by Scott Gesser. © 2020 Apparently This Is Music.
I know we just started dating, but I'm changing my last name to yours / And I don't want you hangin' 'round other girls, because they're all fucking whores / I've got a list of concrete things in my head / That I'm'a need you to do to keep me from getting angry at you / But why on earth would I consider revealing anything that I'm feeling? / You should be able to know what you're dealing with / And every single goddamn day women behaving this way / And all that I have to say is bitches be cray / I know we can't afford a baby but my biological clock is ticking / If you agree to get me pregnant, that's the only way I'm taking your dicking / And by the way, I took a look at your phone while you were out of the room / Who's this "mom" lady that you've been talking to? / Hang on, I've got a call from my ex / You know he usually texts / This must be urgent, so let's take a rain check for sex / And if I say they're looking okay they get all up in my face / Asking how much I think that they weigh 'cause bitches be cray / Bitches be c-c-c-cray / Now, I'm not saying that it's every single woman who's irrational / 'Cause that idea alone would be irrational too / But there are women who are furious because they think you're cheating / And the truth is the entire time they're cheating on you / They think the way that men behave in any dumb romantic comedy / Is actually the way men should behave in real life / And if you totally believe your girlfriend isn't out to get you / And her jealousy and growing cat collection don't upset you / And you'd take her to a jewelry store the moment that she'd let you / Then I wish you lots of luck with your insane fucking wife / I've got a list of names picked out for when we have a little bundle of joy / I like the sound of Slobba-Bofa 'cause it works if it's a girl or a boy, woo / And I'll assume you've done something wrong / Because you bought me some flowers / And I can interrogate you for hours / I only want to be your very best friend / So you should tell all your other friends that you're never going to see any of them / Ever again / I hope that you're all taking away the point I've tried to convey / If you go into the fray, you better damn well obey / And in the meantime I'll pray that you will realize someday / That bitches be cray / Bitches be cray, cray, cray, cray, cray / Bitches be c-c-c-cray / But on the other hand they smell extremely nice / Now please let go of my balls
Freudian Slip
You're always texting me but I can't understand a word you're saying / In an emergency I still can't comprehend what you're relaying / 'Cause you're trying to explain that I should meet you for dinner / But it comes out ass-backwards and mostly misspelled / And the message says that I should make you a doghouse / And I'm left sitting there thinking, "What in the hell?" / Your SMS messages are driving me crazy / And it won't be too long 'til I officially flip / Because you never correct them and you might just be lazy / Or maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian slip / Sure, they've invented Swype to make it easier to send a message / I don't believe the hype (hype) 'cause all of your haikus are just depressin' / You're all, "Hey taco milk fart, Magneto in diapers" / And then I'm supposed to get a meaning from that / I've spent hours upon hours just trying to decipher / The one where you told me you hooked up with your cat / Your SMS messages are driving me crazy / They're the modern-day version of bad penmanship / What the fuck do you mean by "I've been eating a baby"? / Perhaps that messed up thing you said is actually a Freudian slip / I wonder if you even know what you're doing when you try to send a message to me / 'Cause typing "wood hooking" over and over / Isn't something I'd anticipate from someone with a college degree / And every time I see my notification light blinking / I don't know what I should expect / Whether you're cleaning your bowels or just a series of vowels / And you don't even have an iPhone so you can't blame it on auto-correct / Aw, auto-correct / Mother-ducking auto-correct / I could fill up a book with all your malapropisms / And I get that your phone is new and frightening to you / But I feel like you might need a good exorcism / When you say in all caps that you're beheading the Jews / Jesus Christ! / Your SMS messages are driving me crazy / Your texting privileges need to be revoked / You're ranting about eggplants, and then Patrick Swayze / And I really would like some of whatever you've smoked / Yeah, your SMS messages are driving me crazy / And I'm wondering if you're waiting for the mothership / You accidentally sent me a donation to Haiti / Or maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian slip / So many Freudian slips / Maybe you should just talk with your lips / Yeah, maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian
Dear Scott,
Dear Scott, I'm writing to you from the seventh grade / For an assignment that our teacher made everyone do today / I'm excited for the future, it's going to be great / Dear Scott, I'm doing well in school but math is hard / I'd rather go outside and play on the swings or Magic The Gathering / Do you ever get to play with your collection or cards? / Dear Scott, you and I both know you just play by yourself / That's why in eighth grade I threw out all those cards and math isn't hard / Because I use a calculator just like everyone else / You can be anything you want to be / I'm an accountant / You can see everything you want to see / I once hit the mountains / And by that I mean I did my laundry / Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me / Dear Scott, I've got the biggest crush on Lauren Brock / She's got to be the cutest girl in school / She's so pretty and cool / Did you ever ask her out or walk her down to the dock? / Dear Scott, no, I never went out with Lauren Brock / I was too busy getting shoved in the halls, sometimes kicked in the balls / And getting stuffed into my locker and then having it locked / You can eat at the finest restaurants / I just bought a Slurpee / You can date any woman that you want / My ex gave me herpes / And then backed my Hyundai into a tree / Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me / In the future, are we still taking family pictures? / No, dad went in for surgery and now he goes by "Cheryl" / Did mom and dad ever give you a little baby sister? / No, mom went off the deep end when she found out dad was sterile / Do you still catch lightning bugs? / No, but I'm mostly coping / Do you still say no to drugs? / I'm assuming you're joking / I wish that I could be a grown-up 'cause I'm sick and tired of waiting / Well, the road to adulthood is paved with masturbating / The future's going to be so fu… / …cking waste of time / Dear Scott, I often dream of what the future is like / Do they have apartments that reach up to the stars? / Do they have flying cars? / I can't wait to drive around instead of riding my bike / Dear Scott, the future hasn't really changed a whole lot / My car was repossessed for failure to pay / And oh, by the way / I sold that bike for thirty bucks so I could buy pot / I bet you probably grew up to be tall / No, but I have man-boobs / And you get to drive yourself to the mall / I'm browsing PornTube / Or sometimes I'll watch The Mighty Ducks 3 / Golly gee, you can do anything you want to do / TV dinner for one / And your weekends all belong to you / Where'd I put that shotgun? / How amazing my existence will be! / Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me / For me
Inappropriate Boner
I had a friend who was dating this girl / And they got married and they had a big wedding / And I was so excited to be the best man / But I had no idea where the night would be heading / The ceremony was beautiful / But things took a turn when I got to the reception / 'Cause I asked the bride if she wanted to dance / And as I held her in my arms I got a massive erection / It was an inappropriate boner / It's always just popping up unannounced / Big ol' inappropriate boner / It happens every time I leave the house / Well, the very next weekend my in-laws came over / And I'm not one to judge but they're really religious / And they wanted to check out the local synagogue / So I took 'em to a temple that was mighty prestigious / And as the rabbi was giving his sermon / My mother in law screamed, "Oh my God!" / And the entire congregation turned around to find / My dick a-pointin' at the sky like a divining rod / It was an inappropriate boner / It's starting to ruin my life, doggone it / Majorly inappropriate boner / The rabbi suggested I put a yarmulke on it / You know, about a month later my uncle died / So I solemnly drove to the cemetery / And all of his friends showed up dressed in black / And we all gathered 'round to watch him get buried / And as I looked at all the people who loved him / Some were wiping their eyes; some were holding back tears / And I wanted so badly to console everyone / But apparently my penis had other ideas / Another inappropriate boner / I wish that I could make it go away / Gigantic inappropriate boner / I swear I didn't take a Viagra today, goddammit / Inappropriate boner / I wish I could deflate it but I don't know how / But at least I get to hold a guitar by my waist / 'Cause I've got an inappropriate / Hugely inconsiderate / Massively unfortunate / I've got a boner right now / I've got a boner right now
Rocks
Wake up in the morning, rub the sleep out of my eyes / Put on the coffee and wait for it to perk / Take a nice long shower and brush my pearly whites / Smoke a little bit of crack, then it's time to go to work / Drivin' down the highway, listening to the radio / Woo-hoo / Traffic's backed up, hope I won't be too late / Pull into the parking garage with minutes left to go / Take another hit of crack, and I'm at my desk by eight / And I read through all my emails / And check up on my stocks / It's a lovely day, and life is great / In fact, it crack rocks / Lunch time's coming, and I don't know what to eat / I don't have any appetite, but I guess a meal couldn't hurt / Walk down to the bakery 'cause I'm craving something sweet / Two more hits of crack cocaine and a cupcake for dessert / Got a big meeting, gotta get my Power Point together / Woo-hoo / But first I'm gonna clean the baseboards and do a hundred jumping jacks / Then I stare out the window at the gorgeous summer weather / And it really makes me think, hey, I could use some crack / My boss says that he's proud of me 'cause I think outside the box / It's a lovely day, and life is great / In fact, it crack rocks / I feel amazing like there's nothing that can hold me back / Maybe it's the season or the song in my heart / On second thought, it's probably the crack / My coworker Maurice is thinking happy hour for us / I say I can't make it but I thank him just the same / I know he's just being nice to me so he can gain my trust / Then the second I turn my back, he'll steal all my cocaine / Driving back home now, stopping at the Radio Shack / Woo-hoo / Pick up a new mouse pad and a pack of batteries too / Then I slip into the alley so that I can buy more crack / Then I gotta take off so I can catch the new episode of SVU / And I forgot that I took my car there so I've gotta run a couple blocks / But it's a lovely day, and life is great / In fact, it crack rocks / Finally get to my house / My front door is unlocked / When I walk into my living room, I'm met with a surprise / All my family and friends are there and they look pretty shocked / My dad holds up a crack pipe and my mom just sort of cries / Daddy says, "Hey son, what's the meaning of this? / Woo-hoo / "You got a house full of cocaine and expect us not to care?" / I say, "Sorry everybody, I didn't mean to make you pissed" / Mom says, "If we knew you were holding, we would've asked you to share!" / And I'll tell you / It just goes to show that nothing's as it seems / Life is so much more than a series of crack pipe dreams / And you might think I'm crazy / Yeah, crazy like a fox / It's a lovely day, and life is great / In fact, it crack rocks / Woo / Woo / Woo-hoo
Wednesday Night
Going out, looking good / Driving 'round in my hood / Crank that bass, roll on dubs / Jockin' girls at the club / Gonna look all the ladies up and down / Dancing to that DJ's sound / Wishin' that tonight would never end / But I gotta be in bed by ten / 'Cause I gotta get up early for work and I need eight hours of sleep / But the night is still so young and, technically, so is the week / 'Cause it's Wednesday night / And I'm spendin' cheese, but tomorrow I got responsibilities / Yeah, it's Wednesday night / And I gotta say, this is a pretty good substitute for Saturday / Hangin' out, getting loose / No champagne, only juice / Water too, must hydrate / Plus I can't stay out late / Wanna party until the break of dawn / But I really ought to mow the lawn / And I should prob'ly cut this short / Gotta help my kid with his book report / I suppose that I could treat myself to maybe like half of a beer / By the way, I can't help but notice that there's hardly anybody here / 'Cause it's Wednesday night / And I'm spendin' cheese while everybody else is home with their families / Yeah, it's Wednesday night / And it can't be wrong, because for once the bathroom line isn't super long / Tonight I'm getting crazy and tomorrow I'll run errands / Like depositing my checks and maybe visiting my parents / When it comes to being accountable I'm pretty much a legend / The only type of E I might be taking is Excedrin / But I ain't goin' hunting for no strange / 'Less she gonna help me get an oil change / And the only shots that I want to do / Are the ones that make sure I don't get the flu / I gotta make it to the HOA meeting tomorrow, and I don't care how / I want to drink until I'm comatose, but that can wait until three days from now / 'Cause it's Wednesday night / And I'm spendin' cheese but not so much that I can't afford groceries / Yeah, it's Wednesday night / And I'm DTF / "F" stands for finishing this season of Iron Chef / 'Cause it's Wednesday night / Yeah, it's Wednesday night, y'all / It's Wednesday night, Wednesday night / Aw, it's Wednesday night
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is coming soon and I know that you're appalled / I bought you lots of presents and you said, "I wish you'd called" / I figured over all the years your character would soften / But the only thing you care about is why I don't visit more often / You don't trust any of my friends or girlfriends, simply put / But you're fine with telling strangers about the bunion on your foot / You're my Jewish mom / You're the ultimate annoyer / You're my Jewish mom / No, I don't want to be a lawyer / And we go on so many guilt trips whenever I drive / I hear you make that *gasp* sound like you think we won't survive / And I don't want to say you're cheap; I know you'll only scoff / But when I was a boy you said the tooth fairy got laid off / And if I don't pick up my phone, you'll call again and again / And even if I'm just taking out the trash, you wonder where I've been / You're my Jewish mom / And you're not like any other / You're my Jewish mom / I don't know when you'll be a grandmother / If there's ever a nuclear holocaust / The only things left will be cockroaches and you / I'm sorry I used the word "holocaust" just now / No, I don't know what I was thinking / Please don't give me another lecture about my great uncle David / Whenever I do anything, you say I'm doing it wrong / You've even tried to give me tips on how to write this song / You're always trying to feed me, pushing plate after plate after plate / And when I'm done you'll tell me that it looks like I've gained weight / But I know I owe the way I am to you, my family / And one day I'll mess up my kids the way you've damaged me / You're my Jewish mom / Now my voice is kind of straining / You're my Jewish mom / It's not easy to sing over all your complaining / My Jewish mom / And you'll always be that way / You're my Jewish mom / Have a happy, not too meshuggenah Mother's Day
Delivering Bad News Through Rap
Come on in and sit down on the living room sofa / You gotta listen to the shit that I'm gonna go over / Stop kicking your sister, quit shoving your brother / It's time to talk about what's up between me and your mother / You may have noticed that she doesn't come home at night / And when she's actually here, the bitch and I just fight / And now it's looking like our marriage has taken its course / So we're doing a trial separation that could end in divorce / Now this has nothing to do with how we feel about y'all / But she be spendin' all my cheddar, always breakin' my balls / She always stayin' out late, which is cause for alarm / And she's had more cock in her than a fucking farm / She's gonna try to tell you lies like she ain't ballin' other guys / But don't be fallin' for her not-a-cum-slut disguise / Now, I get partial custody of you two little freaks / So I'm'a pick you up from soccer practice every third week / There's so much drama in the world today / It's so hard to elucidate all of this crap / But rhythmic explanation takes the sting away / So I'm delivering bad news through rap / Yo, you've been with the company for so many years / You moved your family across the country so that you could work here / And as much as we appreciate the job that you do / Unfortunately in a month we gonna downsize you / See, them white collar ballas in the IT division / Built a program that does everything you do in your position / They got bored with that Visual Basic shit / So they opened up My Sequel and they made some shit / But don't you worry if can't get a job right away / 'Cause we be hookin' you up with that severance pay / Motherfuckas gonna shit when they see your LinkedIn / They be all, "Look at that cracka, he doin' medium pimpin'!" / Now you can holla at your boy if you need a referral / But we'll be slow to respond like a corporate turtle / And if you really get desperate, well then I'll tell you what / You can go get yourself outsourced to India / There's so much drama in the world today / It's so hard to elucidate all of this crap / But rhythmic explanation takes the sting away / So I'm delivering bad news through rap / Hey ya / Hey, what up shorty? It's your boy from the club / I know that it's been a while since I gave you some love / And I was flippin' through the contacts loaded up in my phone / And I thought that I would just call you up to see if you're home / And, hey, as long as I've got you on the line with me / You should probably know that I've got an STD / I think I got it from this ho' down on 3rd and Van Buren / But I only just now noticed the blood in my urine / When I saw them little bumps start to grow on my dick / I took my ass to the clinic 'cause I knew I was sick / And the doctor said he never seen this shit before / He be like, "Your mothafuckin' sores got mothafuckin' sores!" / So I just figured I would call you up and let you know / That you best get tested and…um…hello? / I can't believe that bitch hung up on me! / Well, she'll figure that shit out eventually, uh / There's so much drama in the world today / It's so hard to elucidate all of this crap / But rhythmic explanation takes the sting away / So I'm delivering bad news through rap / Hey ya / Whoa, hey / Hey, yo, I'm tired of singing this song
Plot Holes
The robots in Transformers are fighting in the street / And the asphalt cracks and sidewalks bend and break beneath their feet / But when they're battling on the rooftops of the city skyline / The structural integrity of the buildings is totally fine / What the fuck is that about? / The prince in Cinderella wants to try to set things right / To match a slipper with the girl he hooked up with last night / It may have fit her perfectly to show that she's the one / But it flew off in the first place when she broke into a run / What the fuck is that about? / It's about plot holes, things that don't make sense / 'Cause the folks who write the stuff we watch must think we're fucking dense / It's all about plot holes, they're totally contrived / You know, "suspension of disbelief" shouldn't be a fucking way of life / Old Charles Foster Kane was laying dying in his bed / The ominous word "Rosebud" was the last thing that he said / But how could the reporters try to figure out what they'd heard / When no one else was in there when he said the Goddamn word? / What the fuck is that about? / It's about plot holes in those movie scenes / The smallest thing can blow an entire premise into smithereens / Ridiculous plot holes keeping me up at night / If face-kicking is forbidden, how did the karate kid win that fight? / If E.T. can fly, and his ship is ten feet away / Why wouldn't he get up off his ass and then fly to it? / How did Andy Dufresne get the poster over the hole he dug in the wall / When he already crawled inside of it? / And why doesn't Bruce Willis seem to care / That the only person talking to him is a weird looking kid? / And how does Kristen Stewart keep finding work? / That one's not a plot hole / I'm just genuinely curious / When Juliet finds Romeo, her cockblock father says / That she could be with him if she forsook the Capulets / But God forbid she runs away and makes her family mad / 'Cause suicide's a fucking great alternative to that / What the Christ-sucking-shit is that about? / It's about plot holes conjured up by chumps / Like why has no one at the bus stop ever heard of Forrest Gump? / These ludicrous plot holes have made me so forlorn / That's why I usually just stick to watching Asian porn / To get away from those plot holes / Ludicrous plot holes / I'm sick and tired of plot holes / Plot holes / Plot holes
You're My Best Friend
We go together like peanut butter and jam / I like how funny you are and you like how weird I am / Every time we're together, we always have so much fun / Of all the best friends in the world, you're the very best one / I would never do anything to hurt you / And you would never hurt me / You're the person who I always trust / And nothing could ever change that for us / But if Olivia Wilde said she would sleep with me I would set fire to your hair / And I'd choke you to death for just one night with Hayden Panettiere / And if Emma Stone said that we could bone if you got attacked by a bear / Then I'd take you to the zoo and I would shove you into the bear pit then and there / You're practically a part of me / You're a mirror to my soul / Whenever we're separated, I feel like half of a whole / You're the greatest confidant that a guy could ever ask for / And I love you with all my heart, but I love starfucking more / So please try to understand me / And please don't take offense / But I'd total your car for a little romancin' / With Heather Graham or Scarlett Johansson / Yeah, I'd kick you square in the testicles to get with Zooey Deschanel / And I would murder your pets if doing that would get me in with Alexis Bledel / And if Megan Fox would show me her box if I threw you down a well / Then I'd throw you down a well so fast / And I'd see your ass in hell / Now, let me be clear about this / I'm not trying to be a jerk / I wouldn't mutilate your torso for Lucy Liu / On the off-chance it might work / But if Charlize Theron came walking by / And she said that she, Kate Upton and I / Should have a four-way with that chick from American Pie / But before we could do that, you would have to die / Even though we're practically brothers / I'd give it all up for Cobie Smulders / And I'd shoot your body full of holes / If it meant I could bang Beyoncé Knowles / So hopefully you can comprehend that the only way we wouldn't be friends / Is an extenuating circumstance / Like getting into Kaley Cuoco's pants / So if Leighton Meester would offer her keester I'd feed you to a cow / And you'd feel my rage for Ellen Page, even though she's a lesbian now / I'd run you down with a ferry and still feel merry / For Halle Berry or Katy Perry / 'Cause we're still the best pals there could ever be / As long as you don't do that shit to me / As long as you don't do that shit to me / As long as you don't do that shit to me / As long as you don't do that shit to me / Yeah, get the fucking hell away from me
Life Of The Party
Going to a party, going there alone now / Been there for a minute, time to get my phone out / I don't feel like talking, I don't want to hug you / Don't want stupid questions about what I've been up to / Then all of a sudden from over my shoulder / Someone starts to yell the word "shot" over and over / I guess it couldn't hurt to have some liquid courage / From that point on, it's like someone flipped a switch / When I get drunk, I'm the life of the party / Everybody loves me at the party / I'm antisocial until I hang out with Baccardi / 'Cause when I get drunk, I'm the life of the party / When I'm near a girl, get an obvious erection / All I have to talk about is my bug collection / But fill me up with Jack and I'll stop being sheepish / Later I'll be doing shots out of her cleavage / Beer pong in the backyard, I'm so bad at those games / Half a cup of Everclear, just call me LeBron James / Taking all my clothes off 'cause I'm going streaking / Everybody's watching / God it's good to be king / When I get drunk, I'm the life of the party / I'm the Grand Poo-bah of the party / Running 'round and drawing on sleeping people with a Sharpie / Yes, when I get drunk, I'm the life of the party / Making out with three girls in the closet And I haven't got a clue who they are / Found a guitar on the back porch / Now I'm playing "Wonderwall" for everyone / And the entire party is cheering / Even though I can't play fucking guitar / Wake up in the morning, having trouble pissing / Got a splitting headache and my wallet's missing / Dried, encrusted vomit sticking onto my face / Also it appears that I'm handcuffed to the staircase / Got a bunch of tickets, also a citation / Parking in the pool must be a violation / Teeth have all been knocked out, ears are full of bird shit / But I have to say it was totally worth it / 'Cause when I got drunk, I was the life of the party / I was more or less like Jesus at the party / Even though I feel like I've been run over by an RV / When I got drunk, I dominated that party / Jeez, that's so loud / Could you turn it down? / Ah, much better
Taylor Swift
I've spent the better part of my adult life writing stupid songs / Sometimes they're funny but they're mostly just questionable and wrong / I write about a lot of people who I know for comedy / But one thing I lament is no one's ever written about me / However, there's one option I can think of where I'd maybe have the chance / To be the subject of a song about regret or dalliance / There's only one sure way to get the tides around me to shift / I have to date Taylor Swift / I've got to date Taylor Swift / I'll treat her really well and she won't even realize there's a catch / I'll start ignoring her the moment she begins to get attached / She'll be all furious and get that doe-eyed look upon her face / Before you know it she'll be writing down my name in her blank space / I'll feel so lucky when she cuts me down and effortlessly rhymes / Or when she uses the word "never" like a hundred million times / I'd be ecstatic when she capitalizes on our rift / That's why I have to date Taylor Swift / I've got to date Taylor Swift / I don't have anything against the girl / In fact, I'd be proud / To be lambasted along with the other dudes that she's plowed / I can't convey the joy a catchy tune about me would bring / I'd try it with Jennifer Aniston, but she doesn't sing / I'm not a player / Not a hater / Just a guy with a hope / That she'll be slanderous against me as a method to cope / And when I finally hear that song, I'll be the belle of the ball / Along with Taylor Lautner, Harry Styles and Joe Jonas and John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal / Jake Gyllenhaal / I guess she might be nice to date 'cause she's legitimately cute / But since I'll only piss her off it seems the point is kind of moot / Some folks will prob'ly hate my guts, and when they see me, they'll just scoff / I might feel bad at first but then I'll do my best to shake it off / To this sick boat? / She'll say that she knew I was trouble from the moment I walked in / She'll get a Grammy, I'll get famous, and so everybody wins / I could go on and on but by now I'm sure you get the drift / Aw, yes, I have to date Taylor Swift / I've got to date Taylor Swift / Please date me, Taylor Swift / I have got to date Taylor Swift / It's a hate story / Baby, just say yes
Black Leather Couch
Baby, you're such a sweet fine thing / And there's nothing I want more than to treat you right / So why don't you take the bus on over to my place / And when I get you alone, we'll be makin' love all night / Baby, I know that you've got big dreams / Like makin' lots of money and getting notoriety too / And I'm the man who's gonna make those dreams come true / But if you want that kind of future, there's only one thing you can do / Get on my black leather couch and take off your blouse / 'Cause a fluorescent-lit conference room is way more sexy than a house / Hop on that black leather couch and drop your jeans to the floor / And whatever you do, don't think about how many people have fucked here before / Aw, baby, I'm ready for you right now / And I've got these video cameras set up every which where / 'Cause there's nothing more important in achieving your life goals / Than a money shot of my semen as it lands in your hair / Right on my black leather couch, from the moment I spied you / I didn't care what's on your surface / I want the whore that's inside you / On my black leather couch, now girl, you're gonna be famous / Provided you can fit this baseball bat in your anus / There's nothing in the world that's going to help your ambition / Like getting plowed for money under the guise of an audition / And as soon as this goes viral, fame and fortune will be coming your way / Just don't ask me for a 401K / Baby, I need you to concentrate / You see, licking my taint is what's going to get you your big break / And then I'll call in my slutty friend Marie / And don't worry when she squirts on you, because the leather's mostly fake / Here on my black leather couch, please look deep in my eyes / If the angle doesn't work it might take a couple dozen tries / And I hope that you're proud of this prospect to screw / 'Cause I would literally bang anyone, but I'm here banging you / Upon that black leather couch I'm gonna drown you in lube / Then I'll hand you fifty bucks and post this thing up on PornTube / On my black leather couch we're having hot, nasty sex / Now on your way out, please send in whoever's next / On my black leather couch / Ooh / On my black leather couch / Mmm
Hangry
I've never been so miserable in all my life / I'm going to snap any minute now / I've been tortured and pushed to a breaking point / Far worse than anyone in their right mind should allow / You see, I haven't eaten since this morning and I need some fucking food / Maybe an hour ago it wasn't such a problem yet / But I have found as time has passed / That some kind of morsel or a snack is what I need / And if I don't get to eat soon, it's going to be somebody's ass / I'm going to act like an asshole all goddamn day / I'm going to bitch and complain 'til I get my way / And there ain't no man alive who can pacify me / 'Cause this is what happens when I get hangry, yeah / Since no one seems to care about my hunger pangs / And no one feels like we have to rush / I guess no one will mind if I start crying like a colicky infant / And calling people names that would make Samuel L. Jackson blush / I'm going to stick out my tongue and make raspberries / And I'll scream until I burst some capillaries / So unless someone takes the time to feed me / It'll only get worse as I grow more hangry, yeah / It's amazing the things you can get away with as a fully-functioning adult / As long as you explain that all you've eaten today are some crackers and a packet of salt / You can treat people like shit and they won't blame you one bit / Because they probably were once in your shoes / And they were willing to murder someone for just a frankfurter / 'Cause when you say hello to hanger/ You also say goodbye to your fuse / So now somebody better get me to a snack bar / Or I'll run some motherfuckers down with my car / And there's not a single jury that would convict me / 'Cause all I'd have to say is that I got hangry / People walking on eggshells whenever I'm with 'em / I just wish that those shells had some fucking eggs in 'em / And when I finally get a decent meal inside me / Then we'll reset the clock until I get hangry again / It's only a matter of time before I'm hangry again, ooh / Ha ha ha ha ha
Fuck Off And Die
If you spend your every weekend wearing just a hooded sheet / Then please fuck off and die / If you say you're vegetarian except when you eat meat / Then please fuck off and die / If you try to name your children after inanimate objects / If you think that pulling out's the only way to have safe sex / If you've ever made a Facebook page for someone else's pets / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die / If the color of somebody's phone is meaningful to you / Then please fuck off and die / If you ever moved to Kansas and nobody forced you to / Then please fuck off and die / If trying to work a light switch leaves you feeling all perplexed / If your only friends are characters you made in Everquest / If we're riding in the same car and you're sending me a text / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die / Just say your goodbye / And go back to your seventeenth year of junior high / Just die / I don't want to lie / It'd make us so much happier if you would fuck off and die / If your first name is Richard and your last name is Santorum / If your DVR is nothing but When Animals Attack / If everything you've ever read begins, "Dear Penthouse Forum" / If you have anything nice to say regarding Nickelback / If you like to diddle little boys who show up at your parish / Then please fuck off and die / If you spend each day on a crusade to try and ban gay marriage / Then please won't you fuck right off and die / If you're in a public bathroom and you're talking while you pee / If we're in a public bathroom and you interact with me / If the most you've gotten out of life is Hepatitis C / Then please fuck off and die / Fuck off and die / Thanks for stopping by / Stop getting all your stupid in our water supply / Just die / I can't help but cry / I don't want to be unreasonable but if it would be feasible / I know that we'd be pleased with you if you'd get a disease or two / And fall into a coffin and then we should ship you off to Versailles / So please / Pretty, pretty please / Fuck off and die / What do you think? / Eh
The Tinder Song
I'm tired of checking out Match.com / 'Cause it's too expensive to look / And I'm not unique enough for Geek 2 Geek / Hell, I don't even own a single book / I'm not a Christian single / And I'm not Jewish enough for J-date / And I don't want to kiss the people on Craigslist / 'Cause I can't tell if they're real or fake / E-Harmony is stupid and so is OK Cupid / I don't really want a relationship / I just want to hook up when I feel like it / So I got myself a Tinder account / And said farewell to romance / And now wherever I go, right away I know / If someone wants to get into my pants / Now, whenever I turn that app on / It fulfills my every wish / In a couple of minutes I can get all up in it / Try getting that done on Plenty Of Fish / I don't need to be Prince Charming / No, I only need to be nearby / And if someone says that I'm a match / I can spend that night between her thighs / You might call me a slut, and to that I say "So what?" / If some random lady wants to sit on me / Who gives a damn about compatibility? / Yes, I love this lovely Tinder account / And I feel like I'm always in luck / 'Cause I don't have the patience for a conversation / To find out if a girl is down to fuck / And I'm always getting updates and reminders / Shoo-bee-doo-wah / And I light up when I hear that notification ring / Ding-a-ling / Just make sure you don't accidentally use Grindr / Unless, you know, you're into that kind of thing / Oh, I'm obsessed with my new Tinder account / I'm amazed at what it can do / So next time I'm in your neck of the woods / I might stick my dick in you / Oh yeah / I might stick my dick in you / Yee-haw / If Tinder says you want me to / Well, I might just stick my dick into you / Yeah!
All lyrics written by Scott Gesser. © 2020 Apparently This Is Music.