Because it's expensive to publish lyrics in liner notes, here are all of the lyrics for the songs on Orgy Of One.
Host
Did I clean the furniture? / Did I clean the couch and the bed? / Did I remember to sweep the patio? / What if I forgot to mow the lawn? / What if I left the porch light off? / Did I paint the room the right color? / Is the lighting setting the right mood? / 'Cause there are so many questions and far too much guessin' / About the way it's supposed to be / And it becomes such a terror with no room for error / When you're hosting an orgy / And I'm hosting an orgy / Woo hoo / Did I dust off the ceiling fan? / Did I vacuum the area rug? / Did I cover enough of the floor with tarps? / What if I don't check the guest list? / Do I have enough room for a plus one? / Is vanilla the right flavor for anal lubricant? / And did I buy enough Chex Mix? / 'Cause there are so many questions and far too much guessin' / About the way it's supposed to be / And soon you're covering your house with KY and Sham-Wows / 'Cause you're hosting an orgy / And I'm hosting an orgy / Should I set out the potpourri and condoms on the shelves? / Or the carrot sticks for the vegetarians / Or the people who like to insert vegetables into themselves? / 'Cause there are so many questions and far too much guessin' / About the way it's supposed to be / Like are we BSDMing or naked night swimming / When I'm hosting an orgy / And I've been spraying Febreezes and praying to Jesus / That I don't catch an STD / It's hard to stain-guard the walls when you're shaving your balls / 'Cause you're hosting an orgy / And I'm hosting an orgy / Yes, I'm hosting an orgy / And I'm hosting an orgy
Captain Cockblock
I'm at a party late one night, a lady on my lap / She asks me to lay down with her but she doesn't want a nap / She leads me into a bedroom / Limbs akimbo, clothes are strewn / That's when you come walking in / Sit down and tell me how you've been / Captain Cockblock / You're getting on everyone's nerves / Captain Cockblock / You're the superhero no one deserves / I'm at a bar and spot some girls, one looks at me and winks / I saunter over to their group and buy a round of drinks / Their feet all brush against my thighs / And they're giving me these "fuck me" eyes / And suddenly there you are, trying to ask me about / How my pending murder trial's working out / Captain Cockblock / It's almost like you've got a Spidey sense / Captain Cockblock / But it's no wonder you don't have any friends / It's like every time I'm trying to hook up / You get this sociopathic idea / That it would be hilarious to tell the girl I'm with / That I have gonorrhea / I wish that I could find your kryptonite / 'Cause it's not a desire to be well-liked / Hell, it doesn't even seem to frustrate you / That even Deadpool wouldn't date you / Some superheroes have a gift, and others have a curse / It seems the only thing you have is a bad case of Asperger's / You won't allow me to touch a pair of tits / And just forget about friends with benefits / Can you not recognize that she's on her knees / So you just start farting 'til everyone leaves? / Captain Cockblock / You're nothing short of embarrassing / Captain Cockblock / You make Aquaman seem important by comparison / For the love of all that's holy, please leave us alone / This is just a living room, not a combat zone / Stop trying to show us cat videos on your phone / If I wanted to watch them, I would have done that at home / And now I'm trying to figure out your origin story / That led to your fight against the flirtatious and horny / Maybe in your own mind, you're out there fighting for glory / But you're the kind of guy who'd really put the brakes on an orgy / When you walk into a strip club or a bachelor pad / Does it remind you of your parents getting shot or stabbed? / What is it about folks coupling that / Makes you want to ruin the moment so fucking bad? / Captain Cockblock / You're hopelessly annoying and rude / I was this close to slinging some webs with my date / Now I'm stuck in my Fortress of Solitude / Captain Cockblock / Captain Cockblock
Nebraska
Beyond the majestic tower of the Rockies / Where the great Missouri River stretches wide across the plain / There sits the 37th state that made our country's union great / And with it comes the following refrain / Oh, fuck you, Nebraska / Oh, you're the shittiest place I've ever found / And if I ever find one day that I'm on a plane headed your way / I'd rather crash that bitch into the ground / You're filled with violent thunder and tornadoes / And when those things aren't happening, you're just a plot of dirt / The only thing you've got to show is you're where to go to watch corn grow / Hey, good luck printing that shit on a shirt / Oh, screw you, Nebraska / Oh, you're super flat and fucked beyond repair / Well, Omaha's filled to the brim with Methodists and Lutherans / So Omaha-ll my Jew ass out of there / I tried to do some research about Nebraska / To see if something interesting might ever have occurred there / But I guess that all they've ever made is the Vise-Grip and red Kool-Aid / And even Lewis and Clark would barely drop a turd there / Oh, suck it, Nebraska / Oh, you almost make Montana seem okay / You might fit in with someone's needs assuming they like tumbleweeds / And living through five seasons in one day / So if you should wind up in Nebraska / Among the drifters and backwater hicks devoid of mental health / No scenery to greet the eye, it's where enjoyment goes to die / And if you find you like it, kill yourself / Kill yourself, mm-hmm / Oh, fuck off, Nebraska / Oh, I'm fed up with you thinking you're so great / I'd rather waste a whole year drinkin' bleach than spend an hour in Lincoln / Go to hell, you godforsaken state / Yes, rot in hell, you worthless fucking state
Yard Sale
I've been living in this house for a very long time / There's stuff wall to wall and it's all mine / Figure it's been long enough that I've procrastinated / Getting rid of all of the crap that I've accumulated / So I took an advertisement out in the paper / Sold a couple blankets and a mini refrigerator / People were flocking me, basically jocking me / Buying up my old clocks, skis, tchochkes / Except one box sitting near the curb / Folks took a look inside and then looked perturbed / I was trying to tell them that everything must go / But was ultimately met with a resounding no / I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / Can't sell the fuckin' at this fuckin' sale / No, I can't sell my sex toys / Everything else is flying off the shelves / But apparently my dildos won't sell themselves / People won't quit talking, they say it's shocking / But I have no use for this vibrating cock ring / And I don't need my nipple clamps anymore / Frankly I don't even know what I bought those for / I'm ready to surrender my French tickler / Or my Ben Wa balls; I'm not a stickler / But aside from that, I guess no one needs / Twenty-one different varieties of anal beads / And I can't promise that the butt plug won't chafe / But on the upside, it's dishwasher safe / I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / Nobody wants to buy your butt plug tail / No, I can't sell my sex toys / I'm out here pitching quality products but no one wants to invest in them / You would think that it would be a great selling point that I've personally tested them / I've been standing in the sun all goddamn day and I'm starting to get pissed / I sold all six copies of Sister Act but nobody will buy my torture rack / Would you like a demonstration of this Arab strap? / It affixes to your junk with one simple snap / If that's not your thing, over there in the corner / Got a RealDoll that looks like Natalie Dormer / Hocked every other item at this stupid sale / But the going's getting tougher than my cat o' nine tails / Not a solitary sex toy was even perused / Even though I put up a sign that said "gently used" / And the patience of my customers was wearing thin / I might as well have tried to sell this with my ball gag in / But now everybody's gone, they must have had their fill / I guess it's time to pack it up and send it off to Goodwill / 'Cause I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / It's almost like you've been set up to fail / No, I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / Your neighbors want to see you get thrown in jail / I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / Why would they even make a five-headed dildo? /No, I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale
Dater Translator
People tell me all the time that they can't stand dating / Putting themselves on the line just gets too frustrating / It isn't difficult to tell what they've all been hating / They say folks beside themselves are too complicated / But hopefully I can clear some things up / For the greater good of coupling up / Yes, I can help men and women relate / When you're out on a date I'll translate / Here goes / When a man says you look nice it means he'd like to fuck you / And when a man asks about your job it means he'd like to fuck you more / When a man says he's hungry Chances are he wants you to sit on his face / And when a man asks about your family / He's thinkin' that you should come back to his place / See, I've trained for this moment for most of my life / No, I don't have a girlfriend and definitely not a wife / But I've always been an innovator / And that's the way that I became / The dater translator / This one's for the boys now / When a woman says she's fine it means she's pissed off at you / And when a woman says that you smell good, she's impressed that you don't smell like farts / When a woman says that all she wants is a guy who can make her laugh a lot / What she's trying to say is you should make her laugh / But you also better be really hot / Since nothing's more dreadful than being alone / I've been assisting with hookups in lieu of having one of my own / But I don't mind being a spectator / It's more or less why I became / The dater translator / Pleasing a woman is not all that hard / As long as you've got an AmEx card / A man's heart may be through his stomach / But his penis makes an awesome shortcut / You could call it gender bias / The proof is in the pudding and the pudding's how right it is / For women the best things always come in twos / Like a pair of Gucci shoes / Men want things to happen in threes / Like a threesome with your really cute friend Denise / You don't need Columbo to unravel this mystery / All you need is me / One more time now / When a man says the word "the" he's picturing you naked / When a woman says she's into you, it's only 'cause you haven't screwed up yet / And when a woman says she likes your friends / She would like them much more if they were gone / And when a man asks you about politics / It means you've already fucked and he's moved on / Well, I hope that these tips have been helpful to you / I make Cupid look more like Mike Myers in The Love Guru / I am basically an instigator / Just digging through the dirt like an excavator / A professional Friday night masturbator / With a super special claim to fame / The dater translator
I Will Be Your Cashier (When You're Ready)
It's been so amazing being with you tonight / Dinner and drinks by this candlelight / And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart / But I must tell you this one thing before we part / I will be your cashier / When you're ready / It's not that I'm trying to be emotional / But I won't stop servicing until you're full / Can I tempt you into trying out my dessert? / If you don't leave a big tip, my feelings will hurt / But I will be your cashier / When you're ready / I hope you'll come back one day / I crave your company so / And oh, by the way / Would you care for a soft drink to go? / After I gently pull the bibs from your necks / I won't let you down with your separate checks / And if you also feel that you've enjoyed our time / Please be sure to fill out our survey online / And I will be your cashier / Yes, I will be your cashier / Oh, I will be your cashier / When you're ready / When you're ready
Bronze Digger
Uh, uh, uh, uh / I met a baby girl hanging out at the mall / It was an outlet mall, she was at the big and tall / Lookin' 'round for a man who gonna give her support / She gonna make a brother take her to Sbarro in the food court / Honey want a fella who is down to spend cheese / Gonna buy her an entire combo meal at the Wendy's / She clutching on her Michael Kors bag tight / That she got in Chinatown so the "Kors" ain't spelled right / She got a nine-to-five position in sales / But her true calling is attracting beta males / Every time she catch a glimpse of a twenty dollar bill / She goes in for the kill with a skirt from Goodwill / And every where she go, she getting separate checks / Got a hundred dollar limit from American Express / So she gotta find a man who can step up to the plate / Hitting up the O.G. -- Olive Garden -- for a date / Bronze digger in the house tonight / Looking fly, looking dynamite / Bronze digger want to land a man / With a net worth of at least two grand / Y'all probably heard of a gold digger before / But from my experience, they want a little bit more / A bronze digger want a guy who got something to show her / But her overall standards are a little bit lower / She want a man with a sofa on layaway / Someone who's forty percent vested in his 401K / He gotta roll in a vehicle that isn't a bus / He gotta spring every now and then for unleaded plus / He gotta take her to Versace even though they just browsin' / Gotta get that HOA-structured housing / She don't drink no Cristal / But she gon' want a box of Franzia for once in a while, uh / He gotta bring her and her friends to the movies / Luckily the tickets half-price on Tuesday / When she at the club, he gotta pay her cover / Less they go to the one where the bouncer's her brother / Bronze digger in the house tonight / With a sexual appetite / Bronze digger gonna hit the scene / Right after hitting up a CoinStar machine / Now I want all y'all to repeat after me / If you down with this girl / Holla, "stable financial portfolio" / Stable financial portfolio, yeah! / Now if you tryin' to hook up with lady like this / You know you better get that cheddar or a little bitta Swiss / Hit that mid-level management, make a little money / Just enough to lavish her with gifts bimonthly / You gotta make an everlasting connection / When you take her out to Wal-Mart in the jewelry section / She don't want a sugar daddy, but maybe a Splenda / You ain't gotta drive a Caddy, just a Toyota Venza / But if you really love her and you want her to live happily / Then save up for a minute and then bring her to an Applebee's / You know sometimes it's gonna be hard / You gotta buy her an expensive anniversary card / And you best make sure that you got a degree / Even if it's from DeVry University / 'Cause they say the best things in life are free / But in her case, they're about tree fiddy, uh / Bronze digger in the house tonight / Baby girl looks hella tight / Bronze digger gonna come for you / Especially if you're a Jew, uh / Yo, make sure that coupon rang up
That Awkward Moment
That awkward moment when you walk into some cobwebs / And it looks like you're giving a Nazi salute / That awkward moment when you trip over a homeless guy / And now you've got a stain on your new Ugg boot / That awkward moment when you hold a physics lecture / But you're deaf and so no one can understand you / That awkward moment during breakfast with your parents / And they let it slip that they had never planned you / That awkward moment when you text someone but they never respond / So you keep texting them forgetting that they're stuffed into your car trunk / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment when your waiter says, "Enjoy your food" / And you respond by saying "Suck my cock" / That awkward moment when you hold the door for someone / And they grab you and fellate you on the sidewalk / That awkward moment when you tell your friend the drugs are kicking in / Except your friend's imaginary / That awkward moment when you feed your lover cherries / And she dies because she's allergic to cherries / That awkward moment in the middle of an argument / You realize that you're wrong so now you have to kill that person with a hammer / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / Baby, I want you to understand that it's all right / We all have those awkward moments from time to time / Sometimes you'll be sitting there / Smoking a pipe in an easy chair / And you'll suddenly recall that you're in the middle of / Burglarizing that house where you're at / What could be more awkward than that? / That awkward moment when you ask if someone's pregnant / And it turns out that she just had an abortion / That awkward moment when you give your friend five dollars / And then accidentally sue him for extortion / That awkward moment when you wake up with a boner / And you're sitting in the middle of a school bus / That awkward moment when you're pushing forty-seven / So what the fuck are you doing on a school bus? / That awkward moment when you realize that starting a sentence / With "That awkward moment" technically turns it into a sentence fragment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment
Rule 34
When you're on the internet, there's so much you can find / They've got just about everything that could possibly cross your mind / Now you may think me hyperbolic, but I mean each word of this / Anything you can visualize undoubtedly exists / In fact, the major crucial purpose of the internet we know and love / Has been the same since you were born / And that's appealing to our basic roots of watching people knocking boots / And building up an archive of every kind of porn / Rule 34 / If you want to watch some nuns taking off their habits / Or the cast of Charles In Charge going at it like rabbits / If you're hankering for an orgy of 80-year-old sluts / Or a clip of someone licking Sriracha off his own nuts / If you get hot under the collar when you think about an Uncle Ben / And Aunt Jemima sixty-nine / You know, they've even got a site that hosts the Muppets having sex with ghosts / And all you need to get there is a working Ethernet line / Rule 34 / Rule 34 / Rule 34 / Rule 34 states / Whenever someone masturbates / They should be able to dig into the deepest recesses of their psyche / And whatever comes tumbling out / Then there's a porn without a doubt / Whether it's Garfield in a strap-on / Or the Spice Girls getting dyke-y / If it's a picture of Mr. Clean taped to a perpetual fucking machine / That gets your motor running when you're playing with your crotch / If you like Fudgy The Whale packing fudge / Your computer isn't there to judge / You'll be critique-free in your fantasy / Unless the NSA decides to watch / If you want to see Pharrell making love to his own hat / There's a thousand message boards dedicated just to that / If the idea of a Disney Princess gangbang turns you on / They've got every single girl, and both genders for Mulan / If you want Rambo getting fisted by the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy / Wearing a Hello Kitty mask / Or a cartoon of Santa getting flogged by Courage The Cowardly Dog / Then pull up your browser and pull down your trousers and ask / Rule 34 / Rule 34 / Rule 34 / Rule 34
Nation Of Tha Hermit
Salir afuera es por retrasos / Gonna get crunk / Gonna get fucked up tonight / Me and my homies going lookin' for a fight / All the bitches tryin' to get in my ride / Wait, never mind / I'm staying inside / P-A-R-T-Y the fuck / Would I wanna go out and run amok? / I ain't no kinda gangbanger / Not one of the tough kids / It's like they say / Home is where my stuff is / Friday night, hangin' out alone / Quadruple-boltin' the door and turnin' off my phone / If misery loves company / Then there ain't no fool less miserable than me / Nation of tha hermit / Nation of tha hermit / Walk into the club like "What up?" / Just kidding That would involve me actually going to a club / I ain't about to spend my money on a gin and tonic / I don't like taking pills and I'm allergic to chronic / And if you want to know what I look for in a lady / I'd take a woman who ain't been on a date since 1980 / I would order us a pizza / But I don't want to have to interact with the delivery guy / I don't care about meeting no societal quota / The only cap I'm gonna pop is the one on my soda / Bro, I got to maintain / That if I didn't have to go to work / I'd never leave my house again / Nation of tha hermit / Nation of tha hermit / Let me tell you now, my future plans / Include cancelling my future plans / And playing a lot of Borderlands / 'Cause I got so much time on my hands / I'm like a groundhog / Only go out once a year / And if I see my shadow / I'm'a run right back here / I'm a one man wolf pack here / Eatin' girl scout cookies and binge watching Top Gear / Ain't huntin' for pussy now / Except maybe the kind that goes "meow" / Cats chillin' all around my den / Lock myself into the bathroom when I don't wanna hang out with them / Social circle? / Naw, more like a social dot / Unless you count my set of battlebots / Otherwise I got a crew of me, myself and I / Gonna represent the nation of tha hermit 'til the day I die / Nation of tha hermit / Nation of tha hermit
Fifty Percent
Ever since I first laid eyes on you / I could tell that you were special / I was trying to think of things I could say or do / To make you fall in love with me / I would lasso down the moon and bequeath the stars / If I thought that you would notice / But you'd have to be okay with sharing them / With the rest of my family / You see, my girl and I are polygamists / So I already know she'd be okay with this / I could give you all the love that you deserve / As long as I'm not giving it to her / So kiss me / Even though I've got her lip gloss on my teeth / 'Cause I swear on everything I can think of / I can be your man and give you fifty percent of my love / You could be my girl on Tuesdays, Thursdays / And every other weekend / The remainder of the time you could move your stuff / Into the back of my guest house It may seem a little weird sharing all that space / But the chores get done way faster / And I think you and my girl are around the same height / So you could wear each other's blouse / I'll need a list of your favorite things / A reminder that I'll keep track of in a three-ring binder / Then I'll bring you flowers and fancy cakes / But I won't have the wrong ones by mistake / So kiss me / I've got a spot for you reserved on my left cheek / We can soar like doves with an additional dove / I'll commit to you and give you fifty percent of my love / And when it's time for us to lay down and embrace / I can totally try to do that thing you like while she sits on my face / Because there's nothing more important than making sure you're satisfied / And afterwards you can snuggle / Specifically on my left side / Full disclosure, while I was singing to you / I may have sight my sights on another girl too / So now the ratio has been slightly diluted / That's assuming you still want to be included / So kiss me / Since I probably won't see you for half a week / But if you look in your heart / You'll understand it's enough / To get thirty-three point three percent of my love / Percent of my love / Percent of my love / Oh
I Can't Write This Song
I wanted to write a joke about my buddy Jack / But apparently I can't do that / Because it just so happens that he's black / I tried to write about the Jews for one of my songs / You would think that being one of those would give me a free pass / But you'd be wrong / I can't write this song / Because inevitably someone'll get offended and blend it with made up evidence / That cannot be defended and then I end up unfriended / And you can't sing along / Because bad apples who spatter the awful patter will get madder and tatter / Your character because their prattle is the only kind that matters / Uh huh / It's dumb that certain people don't believe in vaccines / But if I point out that they're 95 percent effective Then I'm just being mean / So I thought I'd be safe just writing 'bout my penis / It turns out I can't bring that up without being a CIS gender elitist / I can't write this song / Because inevitably someone'll get offended and blend it with made up evidence / That cannot be defended and then I end up unfriended / And you can't sing along / Because bad apples who spatter the awful patter will get madder and tatter / Your character because their prattle is the only kind that matters / Uh huh / Each time I've written something decent on my lyric sheets / Someone cries about it like a little wussy / I'm a monster if I joke about how women sometimes cheat / But we'll elect a dude who tells the world to grab them by the pussy / When I say "protect the rainforest" it doesn't mean I'm trying / To convey that all the other forests deserve to be dying / But if you believe that that's how people actually talk / Then everyone who isn't you should not choke on a cock / I'm tired of acting like I have to give a shit / If you're looking for a safe space / Then perhaps a comedy song isn't it / And so now the divide just keeps on getting bigger / Thanks to social justice assholes / Who keep turning 'round and blaming it on triggers / What'd you think I was going to rhyme "bigger" with? /I can't write this song / Because inevitably someone'll get offended and blend it with made up evidence / That cannot be defended and then I end up unfriended / And you can't sing along / Because bad apples who spatter the awful patter will get madder and tatter / Your character because their prattle is the only kind that matters / And I can't write this song / Nobody is better than anyone else / We're all exactly identical / And you can't sing along / Everything is offensive to someone / So it's not okay to say anything / And I can't write this song / So I'll stop trying
Two Inches Of Fury
Uh / Ow / When I was a youngster / So tiny and small / I was hung like a Tic-Tac / Couldn't see it at all / Now that I'm a grown man / It's the same damn size / Feels like there ain't nothin' in between my thighs / I got two inches of fury in my pants / Let me tell you / Some guys get lucky / Well-endowed and hung / But you can't even tell now / When I get sprung / I would try the enhancers but I feel too ashamed / All the ads on the porn sites address me by name / I got two inches of fury in my pants / Now, if I go on a date, the action stops before it starts / Ha / 'Cause you gotta have a magnifying glass to see my private parts / I can't get it up, can't get on up / I can't get it up, can't get on up / I can't get it up, can't get on up / I can't get it up, now / Woo / The head looks like a birthmark / And there ain't no shaft / Once I took my shorts off / And a Ken doll laughed / Only need two fingers when I masturbate / Every time I get a boner / Somehow I lose weight / I got two inches of fury in my pants / Now, now / They say that size doesn't matter but I think they might be liars / Aw, why can't we just focus on the depth of the vagina? / When I wanna get down now / With a really hot chick / Don't you know I gotta warn her / About the size of my dick / Gotta give her the very best of my pick up lines / Girl, you want ten inches? / Well, then I'll fuck you five times / Now, I barely even get me a passing glance / Don't you know, it's so hard to be the king of romance / 'Cause there ain't no woman gonna take a chance / On a guy who's pecker looks like it was made for ants / I got two inches of fury in my pants / Help me out, now / Good gawd / Ugh
Similes
I love you like a singer loves a-singin' / Or a magician loves a trick / I love you like a dog loves everybody / Or a cat loves being a dick / I want you like a diabetic wants cake / Or Frankenstein wants a bride / I want you like a gay guy wants to win a year supply of Astroglide / Darling, understand now that you're everything I need / Like a person who smokes weed needs to tell you how much they smoke weed / I need you like a sinner needs a saint / And I need you like Jared Fogle needed restraint / I need to have you near me like a hipster needs intolerance to gluten / I love you like the internet apparently loves to Photoshop Vladimir Putin / I want you like a pair of Mormon elders want to float up to the sky / I want you like the world wants Martin Shkreli to hurry up and die / I need you in the same way that a frat guy needs high fiving / Or like most people need to learn to signal while they're driving / I love you like a red state loves Fox News / Or like Scientology adores Tom Cruise / Na na na na / Na na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na / Na na na na / Yeah / And whenever you go away and leave me on my own / You know, I miss you like a French guy missed the chance to buy cologne / I miss you like the priesthood misses children to anoint / And I miss you just like radical feminism / Misses the point / I need you like an actor in Los Angeles needs tips while they're bartending / I need you just like How I Met Your Mother needed a different ending / I'm sure about our love like Catholics are so sure they've been guilted the worst / Even though they stole it from the Jews / 'Cause that was our thing first / I love you just like Charlie Sheen loves doing coke with floozies / Or just like M. Night Shyamalan loves making shitty movies / I need you like a kicker needs to punt / Or like Ann Coulter needs to not be such a / Not nice person / Yes, I want you like a preteen wants to pass her driver's test / And I want you just like Kanye West wants to make love to Kanye West / And I need you like a bowler needs a strike / And I guess that that's what loving you / Is like / Na na na na / Na na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na / Na na na na / Yeah / Whoa / Na na na na / Na na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na / Na na na na / Yeah
Friend Zone
We're going on a journey to a world of torture and pain / Where every single moment is bound to drive you insane / It's like playing a game where the rules won't let you win / And the moment you think you're out you get dragged back in / The very mention of its name inspires panic and fear / Abandon all hope, ye who enter here / Welcome to the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfucker / You're gonna meet the most amazing person and you'll get excited / But for as long as you live that love will be unrequited / You'll be together every waking moment / And if not, they'll miss you / But there's roughly a zero percent chance that they're gonna kiss you / You'll be a shoulder to cry on when they run out of luck / With the person that they actually intend to fuck / Welcome to the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfucker / And you ain't gonna get blown / Because you're in the friend zone, motherfucker / Even though they don't owe you anything / And you shouldn't expect them to / You're still holding out hope that one day / They'll randomly decide that they love you / Come on, now / Let's be friends / You'll be the standard against which they'll measure everyone they date / Meanwhile, you'll be using their picture to masturbate / You'll keep on buying them stuff 'til you've got no more to spend / And then they'll be like / Aww, you're such a fantastic friend / And soon you'll give up on all other romantic prospects / And all your other friendships will become toxic / Eventually the suffering will take its toll / And you're gonna start acting weird / You'll gain a hundred pounds and get a bunch of fedoras / And start growing out a patchy beard / You'll start bragging about being an atheist / And telling everyone that God is a phony / You'll buy a giant sword that you'll never use / And become obsessed with My Little Pony / There's not a chance in hell that you'll be escaping / Now your spirit is broken and your dick is chafing / Welcome to the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfucker / You'll be forever alone / 'Cause you're stuck in the friend zone, motherfucker / Welcome to the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfuck-- / Hey, get your ass back in the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfucker
Beautiful In The Moonlight
It's been so very long since I've seen your face / Felt the tenderness and magic of your warm embrace / And now that we're together in the same place / You look so beautiful in the moonlight / I want to tell you just the way I feel / You know, sometimes I start to wonder if you're even real / You leave my head spinning 'round just like a wheel / Because you look so beautiful in the moonlight / But I suppose it'll never work out / Because you're an asshole / Your personal hygiene is substandard at best / You end all your social media posts with "hashtag blessed" / You don't pay your own bills and you're behind on your rent / But you'll invest your cash in Amway shit one hundred percent / Now I've got your hand in mine as we're strolling as one / You can't drive 'cause of your DUIs and hit-and-runs / And you're ranting about libtards going after your guns / But at least you look so beautiful in the moonlight / You hit "Reply All" on work emails just to say "LOL" / Insist on siding with the moron who broke up with Adele / You say astrology matters / But not LGBT rights / And you think that health insurance should be reserved for whites / I don't understand how anyone can be so fucking pretty / With a personality that gives new meaning to shitty / You're the most gorgeous lady / But your actions are shady / I mean you even once donated to abolish relief funding for Haiti / Yet somehow here we are / Just me and you / With your unfounded love of incest and your tribal tattoo / And I kind of hate myself for hoping we can still screw / Because you look so beautiful in the moonlight / Aw, yeah / You think that Quik Trip service stations are just overhyped kitsch / How the hell can you hate Quik Trip / You miserable bitch / You've shot commercials for Axe body spray and also Proactiv / Honestly, you would get murdered if you weren't so attractive / You say that Hitler had some good ideas and Jews are the devil / You tell me that Chris Brown speaks to you on a spiritual level / Then you grab me by the throat and say the world would be nicer / If everyone was just a little more like Sean Spicer / As the hours slip behind us and the sun begins to rise / I take one last longing look at your magnificent eyes / And I pray that soon you'll meet your untimely demise / Even though you looked so beautiful in the moonlight / So beautiful / And that's it / In the moonlight / You're so beautiful / And nothing else / In the moonlight
41 Bad Relationships (Bonus Track)
Carol seemed to be filled with self-pity / Teri kept on asking for a rain check / Rachel ran the KKK committee / Alexandra's face was like a train wreck / Tiffany was comatose and boring / Courtney fell in love with her vibrator / Allison would mark her territory / The last time I saw Kim, someone was trying to assassinate her / Kristy was a stalker who would tailgate / Harriet tore through me like a tissue / Jessica was nothing more than jailbait / Carla had some immigration issue / Gillian was charged with owl murder / Amber, she was living in a palm tree / Janet was a paraplegic burglar / Lisa bought a dildo, but only so she could use it on me / Joan was nothing but a coward / Gretchen hardly ever showered / Melissa fell asleep while at the wheel / Of a plane / Candace sounded like a man / Danielle lured kids into her van / That one girl from the Hague was cute / But I couldn't pronounce her fucking name / Jill was always getting sexts from Tyrone / Nancy was obsessed with drinking Monster / Connie was as clever as a pine cone / Marilyn, the FBI still wants her / Katherine was eerily nocturnal / Dana flat-out me, "I don't like you" / Natalie wrote death threats in her journal / Monique's name was the only thing about her that had an IQ / Tonya made me dress up like a hobbit / Kate had fourteen children to her knowledge / Leslie idolized Lorena Bobbitt / Marvin was a phase I had in college / Wilhelmina was awaiting death row / Emily would speak into a tin can / Olivia was missing her left elbow / Robin ran over my cat / Then backed up and ran over him again / Jennifer would cheat at Yahtzee / Ellen was a legit Nazi / Stephanie slept in a bathtub filled with crack cocaine / I doubt I'll ever find a mate / I'll just be left to masturbate / The litany of girls I date / Are so fucked up I can't see straight / Or maybe I'm the one who's gone insane
The Countdown (Bonus Track)
Ten times I felt like I had to throw up / And nine of those times I actually did / Eight times I broke down sobbing for some reason / But I have no idea what that reason is / Seven is the number of bottles I broke / Six times I yelled out the same dumb joke / Five people had to hold me back / When I tried four times to hook up with a coat rack / Right around three AM I passed out in place / And somebody drew two dicks on my face / And I'd only had one beer / It's the countdown of the last time I got drunk / Yes, it's the countdown of the last time I got drunk / Ten minutes after she walked out / I left nine messages on her answering machine / Then I went through eight boxes of Kleenex / But I wasn't crying, if you know what I mean / Seven times I showed up at her door / And on my sixth try I called her a whore / Five seconds later I said she'd regret it / And her four year old nephew called me pathetic / Then I went to have a three way with a couple of hoes / But it turns out two of us were no-shows / So I bought one adult movie instead / It's the countdown of the last time I got dumped / Yes, it's the countdown of the last time I got dumped / Four verses seems like it might be too many / Three verses works, though / I think that that's plenty / Two of those verses are already done / So now all that's left is to get through verse three / Ten people in the audience / And nine of them seem to be fidgeting about / I've got eight minutes of material / But everyone looks like they just want to get out / There's seven different jokes about male genitalia / And six times I wish I'd brought my weed paraphernalia / I'd like a high five, but that ain't happenin' / I'm four minutes in and there's nobody clappin' / The other three comics are totally killing / But I'm two decades in and I can't get top billing / I'm going to watch that one porn I bought earlier / It's the countdown of the last song that I'd sung / Yes, it's the countdown of the last song that I'd sung / It's the countdown / It's the countdown / Ten, nine, eight / Seven, six, five / Four/ three, two / Fuck
Baby (Bonus Track)
You were so beautiful / Your eyes shone like the moonlight / Mm-hmm / You looked almost electric / Your skin so soft and pure / Mm-hmm / Your hips, they curved in such a sexy way then / Mm-hmm / But then you fucked it all up / And no one wants you anymore / Why'd you have to go and have a baby? / Now everybody looks at you with nothing but chagrin / Your pussy was so perfect / But you turned the whole thing out / Now all that I can do / Is mourn what could have been / In your bag you once kept condoms and makeup / Mm-hmm / Now there's milk and some diapers / What a fantastic trade / Mm-mm / You've got khakis to cover up the stretch marks / Mm-hmm / Better keep the pill on hand / The next time you get laid / Seriously, why'd you have a baby? / There's nothing sexy about crying or spit / It's kind of a mood killer when you have to deal with poop / But good luck getting lucky now / With your fucking kid / Mm-hmm / Your stupid fucking kid / Mm-hmm
All lyrics written by Scott Gesser. © 2020 Apparently This Is Music.
Did I clean the furniture? / Did I clean the couch and the bed? / Did I remember to sweep the patio? / What if I forgot to mow the lawn? / What if I left the porch light off? / Did I paint the room the right color? / Is the lighting setting the right mood? / 'Cause there are so many questions and far too much guessin' / About the way it's supposed to be / And it becomes such a terror with no room for error / When you're hosting an orgy / And I'm hosting an orgy / Woo hoo / Did I dust off the ceiling fan? / Did I vacuum the area rug? / Did I cover enough of the floor with tarps? / What if I don't check the guest list? / Do I have enough room for a plus one? / Is vanilla the right flavor for anal lubricant? / And did I buy enough Chex Mix? / 'Cause there are so many questions and far too much guessin' / About the way it's supposed to be / And soon you're covering your house with KY and Sham-Wows / 'Cause you're hosting an orgy / And I'm hosting an orgy / Should I set out the potpourri and condoms on the shelves? / Or the carrot sticks for the vegetarians / Or the people who like to insert vegetables into themselves? / 'Cause there are so many questions and far too much guessin' / About the way it's supposed to be / Like are we BSDMing or naked night swimming / When I'm hosting an orgy / And I've been spraying Febreezes and praying to Jesus / That I don't catch an STD / It's hard to stain-guard the walls when you're shaving your balls / 'Cause you're hosting an orgy / And I'm hosting an orgy / Yes, I'm hosting an orgy / And I'm hosting an orgy
Captain Cockblock
I'm at a party late one night, a lady on my lap / She asks me to lay down with her but she doesn't want a nap / She leads me into a bedroom / Limbs akimbo, clothes are strewn / That's when you come walking in / Sit down and tell me how you've been / Captain Cockblock / You're getting on everyone's nerves / Captain Cockblock / You're the superhero no one deserves / I'm at a bar and spot some girls, one looks at me and winks / I saunter over to their group and buy a round of drinks / Their feet all brush against my thighs / And they're giving me these "fuck me" eyes / And suddenly there you are, trying to ask me about / How my pending murder trial's working out / Captain Cockblock / It's almost like you've got a Spidey sense / Captain Cockblock / But it's no wonder you don't have any friends / It's like every time I'm trying to hook up / You get this sociopathic idea / That it would be hilarious to tell the girl I'm with / That I have gonorrhea / I wish that I could find your kryptonite / 'Cause it's not a desire to be well-liked / Hell, it doesn't even seem to frustrate you / That even Deadpool wouldn't date you / Some superheroes have a gift, and others have a curse / It seems the only thing you have is a bad case of Asperger's / You won't allow me to touch a pair of tits / And just forget about friends with benefits / Can you not recognize that she's on her knees / So you just start farting 'til everyone leaves? / Captain Cockblock / You're nothing short of embarrassing / Captain Cockblock / You make Aquaman seem important by comparison / For the love of all that's holy, please leave us alone / This is just a living room, not a combat zone / Stop trying to show us cat videos on your phone / If I wanted to watch them, I would have done that at home / And now I'm trying to figure out your origin story / That led to your fight against the flirtatious and horny / Maybe in your own mind, you're out there fighting for glory / But you're the kind of guy who'd really put the brakes on an orgy / When you walk into a strip club or a bachelor pad / Does it remind you of your parents getting shot or stabbed? / What is it about folks coupling that / Makes you want to ruin the moment so fucking bad? / Captain Cockblock / You're hopelessly annoying and rude / I was this close to slinging some webs with my date / Now I'm stuck in my Fortress of Solitude / Captain Cockblock / Captain Cockblock
Nebraska
Beyond the majestic tower of the Rockies / Where the great Missouri River stretches wide across the plain / There sits the 37th state that made our country's union great / And with it comes the following refrain / Oh, fuck you, Nebraska / Oh, you're the shittiest place I've ever found / And if I ever find one day that I'm on a plane headed your way / I'd rather crash that bitch into the ground / You're filled with violent thunder and tornadoes / And when those things aren't happening, you're just a plot of dirt / The only thing you've got to show is you're where to go to watch corn grow / Hey, good luck printing that shit on a shirt / Oh, screw you, Nebraska / Oh, you're super flat and fucked beyond repair / Well, Omaha's filled to the brim with Methodists and Lutherans / So Omaha-ll my Jew ass out of there / I tried to do some research about Nebraska / To see if something interesting might ever have occurred there / But I guess that all they've ever made is the Vise-Grip and red Kool-Aid / And even Lewis and Clark would barely drop a turd there / Oh, suck it, Nebraska / Oh, you almost make Montana seem okay / You might fit in with someone's needs assuming they like tumbleweeds / And living through five seasons in one day / So if you should wind up in Nebraska / Among the drifters and backwater hicks devoid of mental health / No scenery to greet the eye, it's where enjoyment goes to die / And if you find you like it, kill yourself / Kill yourself, mm-hmm / Oh, fuck off, Nebraska / Oh, I'm fed up with you thinking you're so great / I'd rather waste a whole year drinkin' bleach than spend an hour in Lincoln / Go to hell, you godforsaken state / Yes, rot in hell, you worthless fucking state
Yard Sale
I've been living in this house for a very long time / There's stuff wall to wall and it's all mine / Figure it's been long enough that I've procrastinated / Getting rid of all of the crap that I've accumulated / So I took an advertisement out in the paper / Sold a couple blankets and a mini refrigerator / People were flocking me, basically jocking me / Buying up my old clocks, skis, tchochkes / Except one box sitting near the curb / Folks took a look inside and then looked perturbed / I was trying to tell them that everything must go / But was ultimately met with a resounding no / I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / Can't sell the fuckin' at this fuckin' sale / No, I can't sell my sex toys / Everything else is flying off the shelves / But apparently my dildos won't sell themselves / People won't quit talking, they say it's shocking / But I have no use for this vibrating cock ring / And I don't need my nipple clamps anymore / Frankly I don't even know what I bought those for / I'm ready to surrender my French tickler / Or my Ben Wa balls; I'm not a stickler / But aside from that, I guess no one needs / Twenty-one different varieties of anal beads / And I can't promise that the butt plug won't chafe / But on the upside, it's dishwasher safe / I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / Nobody wants to buy your butt plug tail / No, I can't sell my sex toys / I'm out here pitching quality products but no one wants to invest in them / You would think that it would be a great selling point that I've personally tested them / I've been standing in the sun all goddamn day and I'm starting to get pissed / I sold all six copies of Sister Act but nobody will buy my torture rack / Would you like a demonstration of this Arab strap? / It affixes to your junk with one simple snap / If that's not your thing, over there in the corner / Got a RealDoll that looks like Natalie Dormer / Hocked every other item at this stupid sale / But the going's getting tougher than my cat o' nine tails / Not a solitary sex toy was even perused / Even though I put up a sign that said "gently used" / And the patience of my customers was wearing thin / I might as well have tried to sell this with my ball gag in / But now everybody's gone, they must have had their fill / I guess it's time to pack it up and send it off to Goodwill / 'Cause I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / It's almost like you've been set up to fail / No, I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / Your neighbors want to see you get thrown in jail / I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale / Why would they even make a five-headed dildo? /No, I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale
Dater Translator
People tell me all the time that they can't stand dating / Putting themselves on the line just gets too frustrating / It isn't difficult to tell what they've all been hating / They say folks beside themselves are too complicated / But hopefully I can clear some things up / For the greater good of coupling up / Yes, I can help men and women relate / When you're out on a date I'll translate / Here goes / When a man says you look nice it means he'd like to fuck you / And when a man asks about your job it means he'd like to fuck you more / When a man says he's hungry Chances are he wants you to sit on his face / And when a man asks about your family / He's thinkin' that you should come back to his place / See, I've trained for this moment for most of my life / No, I don't have a girlfriend and definitely not a wife / But I've always been an innovator / And that's the way that I became / The dater translator / This one's for the boys now / When a woman says she's fine it means she's pissed off at you / And when a woman says that you smell good, she's impressed that you don't smell like farts / When a woman says that all she wants is a guy who can make her laugh a lot / What she's trying to say is you should make her laugh / But you also better be really hot / Since nothing's more dreadful than being alone / I've been assisting with hookups in lieu of having one of my own / But I don't mind being a spectator / It's more or less why I became / The dater translator / Pleasing a woman is not all that hard / As long as you've got an AmEx card / A man's heart may be through his stomach / But his penis makes an awesome shortcut / You could call it gender bias / The proof is in the pudding and the pudding's how right it is / For women the best things always come in twos / Like a pair of Gucci shoes / Men want things to happen in threes / Like a threesome with your really cute friend Denise / You don't need Columbo to unravel this mystery / All you need is me / One more time now / When a man says the word "the" he's picturing you naked / When a woman says she's into you, it's only 'cause you haven't screwed up yet / And when a woman says she likes your friends / She would like them much more if they were gone / And when a man asks you about politics / It means you've already fucked and he's moved on / Well, I hope that these tips have been helpful to you / I make Cupid look more like Mike Myers in The Love Guru / I am basically an instigator / Just digging through the dirt like an excavator / A professional Friday night masturbator / With a super special claim to fame / The dater translator
I Will Be Your Cashier (When You're Ready)
It's been so amazing being with you tonight / Dinner and drinks by this candlelight / And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart / But I must tell you this one thing before we part / I will be your cashier / When you're ready / It's not that I'm trying to be emotional / But I won't stop servicing until you're full / Can I tempt you into trying out my dessert? / If you don't leave a big tip, my feelings will hurt / But I will be your cashier / When you're ready / I hope you'll come back one day / I crave your company so / And oh, by the way / Would you care for a soft drink to go? / After I gently pull the bibs from your necks / I won't let you down with your separate checks / And if you also feel that you've enjoyed our time / Please be sure to fill out our survey online / And I will be your cashier / Yes, I will be your cashier / Oh, I will be your cashier / When you're ready / When you're ready
Bronze Digger
Uh, uh, uh, uh / I met a baby girl hanging out at the mall / It was an outlet mall, she was at the big and tall / Lookin' 'round for a man who gonna give her support / She gonna make a brother take her to Sbarro in the food court / Honey want a fella who is down to spend cheese / Gonna buy her an entire combo meal at the Wendy's / She clutching on her Michael Kors bag tight / That she got in Chinatown so the "Kors" ain't spelled right / She got a nine-to-five position in sales / But her true calling is attracting beta males / Every time she catch a glimpse of a twenty dollar bill / She goes in for the kill with a skirt from Goodwill / And every where she go, she getting separate checks / Got a hundred dollar limit from American Express / So she gotta find a man who can step up to the plate / Hitting up the O.G. -- Olive Garden -- for a date / Bronze digger in the house tonight / Looking fly, looking dynamite / Bronze digger want to land a man / With a net worth of at least two grand / Y'all probably heard of a gold digger before / But from my experience, they want a little bit more / A bronze digger want a guy who got something to show her / But her overall standards are a little bit lower / She want a man with a sofa on layaway / Someone who's forty percent vested in his 401K / He gotta roll in a vehicle that isn't a bus / He gotta spring every now and then for unleaded plus / He gotta take her to Versace even though they just browsin' / Gotta get that HOA-structured housing / She don't drink no Cristal / But she gon' want a box of Franzia for once in a while, uh / He gotta bring her and her friends to the movies / Luckily the tickets half-price on Tuesday / When she at the club, he gotta pay her cover / Less they go to the one where the bouncer's her brother / Bronze digger in the house tonight / With a sexual appetite / Bronze digger gonna hit the scene / Right after hitting up a CoinStar machine / Now I want all y'all to repeat after me / If you down with this girl / Holla, "stable financial portfolio" / Stable financial portfolio, yeah! / Now if you tryin' to hook up with lady like this / You know you better get that cheddar or a little bitta Swiss / Hit that mid-level management, make a little money / Just enough to lavish her with gifts bimonthly / You gotta make an everlasting connection / When you take her out to Wal-Mart in the jewelry section / She don't want a sugar daddy, but maybe a Splenda / You ain't gotta drive a Caddy, just a Toyota Venza / But if you really love her and you want her to live happily / Then save up for a minute and then bring her to an Applebee's / You know sometimes it's gonna be hard / You gotta buy her an expensive anniversary card / And you best make sure that you got a degree / Even if it's from DeVry University / 'Cause they say the best things in life are free / But in her case, they're about tree fiddy, uh / Bronze digger in the house tonight / Baby girl looks hella tight / Bronze digger gonna come for you / Especially if you're a Jew, uh / Yo, make sure that coupon rang up
That Awkward Moment
That awkward moment when you walk into some cobwebs / And it looks like you're giving a Nazi salute / That awkward moment when you trip over a homeless guy / And now you've got a stain on your new Ugg boot / That awkward moment when you hold a physics lecture / But you're deaf and so no one can understand you / That awkward moment during breakfast with your parents / And they let it slip that they had never planned you / That awkward moment when you text someone but they never respond / So you keep texting them forgetting that they're stuffed into your car trunk / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment when your waiter says, "Enjoy your food" / And you respond by saying "Suck my cock" / That awkward moment when you hold the door for someone / And they grab you and fellate you on the sidewalk / That awkward moment when you tell your friend the drugs are kicking in / Except your friend's imaginary / That awkward moment when you feed your lover cherries / And she dies because she's allergic to cherries / That awkward moment in the middle of an argument / You realize that you're wrong so now you have to kill that person with a hammer / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / Baby, I want you to understand that it's all right / We all have those awkward moments from time to time / Sometimes you'll be sitting there / Smoking a pipe in an easy chair / And you'll suddenly recall that you're in the middle of / Burglarizing that house where you're at / What could be more awkward than that? / That awkward moment when you ask if someone's pregnant / And it turns out that she just had an abortion / That awkward moment when you give your friend five dollars / And then accidentally sue him for extortion / That awkward moment when you wake up with a boner / And you're sitting in the middle of a school bus / That awkward moment when you're pushing forty-seven / So what the fuck are you doing on a school bus? / That awkward moment when you realize that starting a sentence / With "That awkward moment" technically turns it into a sentence fragment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment / That awkward moment
Rule 34
When you're on the internet, there's so much you can find / They've got just about everything that could possibly cross your mind / Now you may think me hyperbolic, but I mean each word of this / Anything you can visualize undoubtedly exists / In fact, the major crucial purpose of the internet we know and love / Has been the same since you were born / And that's appealing to our basic roots of watching people knocking boots / And building up an archive of every kind of porn / Rule 34 / If you want to watch some nuns taking off their habits / Or the cast of Charles In Charge going at it like rabbits / If you're hankering for an orgy of 80-year-old sluts / Or a clip of someone licking Sriracha off his own nuts / If you get hot under the collar when you think about an Uncle Ben / And Aunt Jemima sixty-nine / You know, they've even got a site that hosts the Muppets having sex with ghosts / And all you need to get there is a working Ethernet line / Rule 34 / Rule 34 / Rule 34 / Rule 34 states / Whenever someone masturbates / They should be able to dig into the deepest recesses of their psyche / And whatever comes tumbling out / Then there's a porn without a doubt / Whether it's Garfield in a strap-on / Or the Spice Girls getting dyke-y / If it's a picture of Mr. Clean taped to a perpetual fucking machine / That gets your motor running when you're playing with your crotch / If you like Fudgy The Whale packing fudge / Your computer isn't there to judge / You'll be critique-free in your fantasy / Unless the NSA decides to watch / If you want to see Pharrell making love to his own hat / There's a thousand message boards dedicated just to that / If the idea of a Disney Princess gangbang turns you on / They've got every single girl, and both genders for Mulan / If you want Rambo getting fisted by the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy / Wearing a Hello Kitty mask / Or a cartoon of Santa getting flogged by Courage The Cowardly Dog / Then pull up your browser and pull down your trousers and ask / Rule 34 / Rule 34 / Rule 34 / Rule 34
Nation Of Tha Hermit
Salir afuera es por retrasos / Gonna get crunk / Gonna get fucked up tonight / Me and my homies going lookin' for a fight / All the bitches tryin' to get in my ride / Wait, never mind / I'm staying inside / P-A-R-T-Y the fuck / Would I wanna go out and run amok? / I ain't no kinda gangbanger / Not one of the tough kids / It's like they say / Home is where my stuff is / Friday night, hangin' out alone / Quadruple-boltin' the door and turnin' off my phone / If misery loves company / Then there ain't no fool less miserable than me / Nation of tha hermit / Nation of tha hermit / Walk into the club like "What up?" / Just kidding That would involve me actually going to a club / I ain't about to spend my money on a gin and tonic / I don't like taking pills and I'm allergic to chronic / And if you want to know what I look for in a lady / I'd take a woman who ain't been on a date since 1980 / I would order us a pizza / But I don't want to have to interact with the delivery guy / I don't care about meeting no societal quota / The only cap I'm gonna pop is the one on my soda / Bro, I got to maintain / That if I didn't have to go to work / I'd never leave my house again / Nation of tha hermit / Nation of tha hermit / Let me tell you now, my future plans / Include cancelling my future plans / And playing a lot of Borderlands / 'Cause I got so much time on my hands / I'm like a groundhog / Only go out once a year / And if I see my shadow / I'm'a run right back here / I'm a one man wolf pack here / Eatin' girl scout cookies and binge watching Top Gear / Ain't huntin' for pussy now / Except maybe the kind that goes "meow" / Cats chillin' all around my den / Lock myself into the bathroom when I don't wanna hang out with them / Social circle? / Naw, more like a social dot / Unless you count my set of battlebots / Otherwise I got a crew of me, myself and I / Gonna represent the nation of tha hermit 'til the day I die / Nation of tha hermit / Nation of tha hermit
Fifty Percent
Ever since I first laid eyes on you / I could tell that you were special / I was trying to think of things I could say or do / To make you fall in love with me / I would lasso down the moon and bequeath the stars / If I thought that you would notice / But you'd have to be okay with sharing them / With the rest of my family / You see, my girl and I are polygamists / So I already know she'd be okay with this / I could give you all the love that you deserve / As long as I'm not giving it to her / So kiss me / Even though I've got her lip gloss on my teeth / 'Cause I swear on everything I can think of / I can be your man and give you fifty percent of my love / You could be my girl on Tuesdays, Thursdays / And every other weekend / The remainder of the time you could move your stuff / Into the back of my guest house It may seem a little weird sharing all that space / But the chores get done way faster / And I think you and my girl are around the same height / So you could wear each other's blouse / I'll need a list of your favorite things / A reminder that I'll keep track of in a three-ring binder / Then I'll bring you flowers and fancy cakes / But I won't have the wrong ones by mistake / So kiss me / I've got a spot for you reserved on my left cheek / We can soar like doves with an additional dove / I'll commit to you and give you fifty percent of my love / And when it's time for us to lay down and embrace / I can totally try to do that thing you like while she sits on my face / Because there's nothing more important than making sure you're satisfied / And afterwards you can snuggle / Specifically on my left side / Full disclosure, while I was singing to you / I may have sight my sights on another girl too / So now the ratio has been slightly diluted / That's assuming you still want to be included / So kiss me / Since I probably won't see you for half a week / But if you look in your heart / You'll understand it's enough / To get thirty-three point three percent of my love / Percent of my love / Percent of my love / Oh
I Can't Write This Song
I wanted to write a joke about my buddy Jack / But apparently I can't do that / Because it just so happens that he's black / I tried to write about the Jews for one of my songs / You would think that being one of those would give me a free pass / But you'd be wrong / I can't write this song / Because inevitably someone'll get offended and blend it with made up evidence / That cannot be defended and then I end up unfriended / And you can't sing along / Because bad apples who spatter the awful patter will get madder and tatter / Your character because their prattle is the only kind that matters / Uh huh / It's dumb that certain people don't believe in vaccines / But if I point out that they're 95 percent effective Then I'm just being mean / So I thought I'd be safe just writing 'bout my penis / It turns out I can't bring that up without being a CIS gender elitist / I can't write this song / Because inevitably someone'll get offended and blend it with made up evidence / That cannot be defended and then I end up unfriended / And you can't sing along / Because bad apples who spatter the awful patter will get madder and tatter / Your character because their prattle is the only kind that matters / Uh huh / Each time I've written something decent on my lyric sheets / Someone cries about it like a little wussy / I'm a monster if I joke about how women sometimes cheat / But we'll elect a dude who tells the world to grab them by the pussy / When I say "protect the rainforest" it doesn't mean I'm trying / To convey that all the other forests deserve to be dying / But if you believe that that's how people actually talk / Then everyone who isn't you should not choke on a cock / I'm tired of acting like I have to give a shit / If you're looking for a safe space / Then perhaps a comedy song isn't it / And so now the divide just keeps on getting bigger / Thanks to social justice assholes / Who keep turning 'round and blaming it on triggers / What'd you think I was going to rhyme "bigger" with? /I can't write this song / Because inevitably someone'll get offended and blend it with made up evidence / That cannot be defended and then I end up unfriended / And you can't sing along / Because bad apples who spatter the awful patter will get madder and tatter / Your character because their prattle is the only kind that matters / And I can't write this song / Nobody is better than anyone else / We're all exactly identical / And you can't sing along / Everything is offensive to someone / So it's not okay to say anything / And I can't write this song / So I'll stop trying
Two Inches Of Fury
Uh / Ow / When I was a youngster / So tiny and small / I was hung like a Tic-Tac / Couldn't see it at all / Now that I'm a grown man / It's the same damn size / Feels like there ain't nothin' in between my thighs / I got two inches of fury in my pants / Let me tell you / Some guys get lucky / Well-endowed and hung / But you can't even tell now / When I get sprung / I would try the enhancers but I feel too ashamed / All the ads on the porn sites address me by name / I got two inches of fury in my pants / Now, if I go on a date, the action stops before it starts / Ha / 'Cause you gotta have a magnifying glass to see my private parts / I can't get it up, can't get on up / I can't get it up, can't get on up / I can't get it up, can't get on up / I can't get it up, now / Woo / The head looks like a birthmark / And there ain't no shaft / Once I took my shorts off / And a Ken doll laughed / Only need two fingers when I masturbate / Every time I get a boner / Somehow I lose weight / I got two inches of fury in my pants / Now, now / They say that size doesn't matter but I think they might be liars / Aw, why can't we just focus on the depth of the vagina? / When I wanna get down now / With a really hot chick / Don't you know I gotta warn her / About the size of my dick / Gotta give her the very best of my pick up lines / Girl, you want ten inches? / Well, then I'll fuck you five times / Now, I barely even get me a passing glance / Don't you know, it's so hard to be the king of romance / 'Cause there ain't no woman gonna take a chance / On a guy who's pecker looks like it was made for ants / I got two inches of fury in my pants / Help me out, now / Good gawd / Ugh
Similes
I love you like a singer loves a-singin' / Or a magician loves a trick / I love you like a dog loves everybody / Or a cat loves being a dick / I want you like a diabetic wants cake / Or Frankenstein wants a bride / I want you like a gay guy wants to win a year supply of Astroglide / Darling, understand now that you're everything I need / Like a person who smokes weed needs to tell you how much they smoke weed / I need you like a sinner needs a saint / And I need you like Jared Fogle needed restraint / I need to have you near me like a hipster needs intolerance to gluten / I love you like the internet apparently loves to Photoshop Vladimir Putin / I want you like a pair of Mormon elders want to float up to the sky / I want you like the world wants Martin Shkreli to hurry up and die / I need you in the same way that a frat guy needs high fiving / Or like most people need to learn to signal while they're driving / I love you like a red state loves Fox News / Or like Scientology adores Tom Cruise / Na na na na / Na na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na / Na na na na / Yeah / And whenever you go away and leave me on my own / You know, I miss you like a French guy missed the chance to buy cologne / I miss you like the priesthood misses children to anoint / And I miss you just like radical feminism / Misses the point / I need you like an actor in Los Angeles needs tips while they're bartending / I need you just like How I Met Your Mother needed a different ending / I'm sure about our love like Catholics are so sure they've been guilted the worst / Even though they stole it from the Jews / 'Cause that was our thing first / I love you just like Charlie Sheen loves doing coke with floozies / Or just like M. Night Shyamalan loves making shitty movies / I need you like a kicker needs to punt / Or like Ann Coulter needs to not be such a / Not nice person / Yes, I want you like a preteen wants to pass her driver's test / And I want you just like Kanye West wants to make love to Kanye West / And I need you like a bowler needs a strike / And I guess that that's what loving you / Is like / Na na na na / Na na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na / Na na na na / Yeah / Whoa / Na na na na / Na na na na na na na / Na na na na na / Na na na na / Na na na na / Yeah
Friend Zone
We're going on a journey to a world of torture and pain / Where every single moment is bound to drive you insane / It's like playing a game where the rules won't let you win / And the moment you think you're out you get dragged back in / The very mention of its name inspires panic and fear / Abandon all hope, ye who enter here / Welcome to the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfucker / You're gonna meet the most amazing person and you'll get excited / But for as long as you live that love will be unrequited / You'll be together every waking moment / And if not, they'll miss you / But there's roughly a zero percent chance that they're gonna kiss you / You'll be a shoulder to cry on when they run out of luck / With the person that they actually intend to fuck / Welcome to the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfucker / And you ain't gonna get blown / Because you're in the friend zone, motherfucker / Even though they don't owe you anything / And you shouldn't expect them to / You're still holding out hope that one day / They'll randomly decide that they love you / Come on, now / Let's be friends / You'll be the standard against which they'll measure everyone they date / Meanwhile, you'll be using their picture to masturbate / You'll keep on buying them stuff 'til you've got no more to spend / And then they'll be like / Aww, you're such a fantastic friend / And soon you'll give up on all other romantic prospects / And all your other friendships will become toxic / Eventually the suffering will take its toll / And you're gonna start acting weird / You'll gain a hundred pounds and get a bunch of fedoras / And start growing out a patchy beard / You'll start bragging about being an atheist / And telling everyone that God is a phony / You'll buy a giant sword that you'll never use / And become obsessed with My Little Pony / There's not a chance in hell that you'll be escaping / Now your spirit is broken and your dick is chafing / Welcome to the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfucker / You'll be forever alone / 'Cause you're stuck in the friend zone, motherfucker / Welcome to the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfuck-- / Hey, get your ass back in the friend zone / Welcome to the friend zone, motherfucker
Beautiful In The Moonlight
It's been so very long since I've seen your face / Felt the tenderness and magic of your warm embrace / And now that we're together in the same place / You look so beautiful in the moonlight / I want to tell you just the way I feel / You know, sometimes I start to wonder if you're even real / You leave my head spinning 'round just like a wheel / Because you look so beautiful in the moonlight / But I suppose it'll never work out / Because you're an asshole / Your personal hygiene is substandard at best / You end all your social media posts with "hashtag blessed" / You don't pay your own bills and you're behind on your rent / But you'll invest your cash in Amway shit one hundred percent / Now I've got your hand in mine as we're strolling as one / You can't drive 'cause of your DUIs and hit-and-runs / And you're ranting about libtards going after your guns / But at least you look so beautiful in the moonlight / You hit "Reply All" on work emails just to say "LOL" / Insist on siding with the moron who broke up with Adele / You say astrology matters / But not LGBT rights / And you think that health insurance should be reserved for whites / I don't understand how anyone can be so fucking pretty / With a personality that gives new meaning to shitty / You're the most gorgeous lady / But your actions are shady / I mean you even once donated to abolish relief funding for Haiti / Yet somehow here we are / Just me and you / With your unfounded love of incest and your tribal tattoo / And I kind of hate myself for hoping we can still screw / Because you look so beautiful in the moonlight / Aw, yeah / You think that Quik Trip service stations are just overhyped kitsch / How the hell can you hate Quik Trip / You miserable bitch / You've shot commercials for Axe body spray and also Proactiv / Honestly, you would get murdered if you weren't so attractive / You say that Hitler had some good ideas and Jews are the devil / You tell me that Chris Brown speaks to you on a spiritual level / Then you grab me by the throat and say the world would be nicer / If everyone was just a little more like Sean Spicer / As the hours slip behind us and the sun begins to rise / I take one last longing look at your magnificent eyes / And I pray that soon you'll meet your untimely demise / Even though you looked so beautiful in the moonlight / So beautiful / And that's it / In the moonlight / You're so beautiful / And nothing else / In the moonlight
41 Bad Relationships (Bonus Track)
Carol seemed to be filled with self-pity / Teri kept on asking for a rain check / Rachel ran the KKK committee / Alexandra's face was like a train wreck / Tiffany was comatose and boring / Courtney fell in love with her vibrator / Allison would mark her territory / The last time I saw Kim, someone was trying to assassinate her / Kristy was a stalker who would tailgate / Harriet tore through me like a tissue / Jessica was nothing more than jailbait / Carla had some immigration issue / Gillian was charged with owl murder / Amber, she was living in a palm tree / Janet was a paraplegic burglar / Lisa bought a dildo, but only so she could use it on me / Joan was nothing but a coward / Gretchen hardly ever showered / Melissa fell asleep while at the wheel / Of a plane / Candace sounded like a man / Danielle lured kids into her van / That one girl from the Hague was cute / But I couldn't pronounce her fucking name / Jill was always getting sexts from Tyrone / Nancy was obsessed with drinking Monster / Connie was as clever as a pine cone / Marilyn, the FBI still wants her / Katherine was eerily nocturnal / Dana flat-out me, "I don't like you" / Natalie wrote death threats in her journal / Monique's name was the only thing about her that had an IQ / Tonya made me dress up like a hobbit / Kate had fourteen children to her knowledge / Leslie idolized Lorena Bobbitt / Marvin was a phase I had in college / Wilhelmina was awaiting death row / Emily would speak into a tin can / Olivia was missing her left elbow / Robin ran over my cat / Then backed up and ran over him again / Jennifer would cheat at Yahtzee / Ellen was a legit Nazi / Stephanie slept in a bathtub filled with crack cocaine / I doubt I'll ever find a mate / I'll just be left to masturbate / The litany of girls I date / Are so fucked up I can't see straight / Or maybe I'm the one who's gone insane
The Countdown (Bonus Track)
Ten times I felt like I had to throw up / And nine of those times I actually did / Eight times I broke down sobbing for some reason / But I have no idea what that reason is / Seven is the number of bottles I broke / Six times I yelled out the same dumb joke / Five people had to hold me back / When I tried four times to hook up with a coat rack / Right around three AM I passed out in place / And somebody drew two dicks on my face / And I'd only had one beer / It's the countdown of the last time I got drunk / Yes, it's the countdown of the last time I got drunk / Ten minutes after she walked out / I left nine messages on her answering machine / Then I went through eight boxes of Kleenex / But I wasn't crying, if you know what I mean / Seven times I showed up at her door / And on my sixth try I called her a whore / Five seconds later I said she'd regret it / And her four year old nephew called me pathetic / Then I went to have a three way with a couple of hoes / But it turns out two of us were no-shows / So I bought one adult movie instead / It's the countdown of the last time I got dumped / Yes, it's the countdown of the last time I got dumped / Four verses seems like it might be too many / Three verses works, though / I think that that's plenty / Two of those verses are already done / So now all that's left is to get through verse three / Ten people in the audience / And nine of them seem to be fidgeting about / I've got eight minutes of material / But everyone looks like they just want to get out / There's seven different jokes about male genitalia / And six times I wish I'd brought my weed paraphernalia / I'd like a high five, but that ain't happenin' / I'm four minutes in and there's nobody clappin' / The other three comics are totally killing / But I'm two decades in and I can't get top billing / I'm going to watch that one porn I bought earlier / It's the countdown of the last song that I'd sung / Yes, it's the countdown of the last song that I'd sung / It's the countdown / It's the countdown / Ten, nine, eight / Seven, six, five / Four/ three, two / Fuck
Baby (Bonus Track)
You were so beautiful / Your eyes shone like the moonlight / Mm-hmm / You looked almost electric / Your skin so soft and pure / Mm-hmm / Your hips, they curved in such a sexy way then / Mm-hmm / But then you fucked it all up / And no one wants you anymore / Why'd you have to go and have a baby? / Now everybody looks at you with nothing but chagrin / Your pussy was so perfect / But you turned the whole thing out / Now all that I can do / Is mourn what could have been / In your bag you once kept condoms and makeup / Mm-hmm / Now there's milk and some diapers / What a fantastic trade / Mm-mm / You've got khakis to cover up the stretch marks / Mm-hmm / Better keep the pill on hand / The next time you get laid / Seriously, why'd you have a baby? / There's nothing sexy about crying or spit / It's kind of a mood killer when you have to deal with poop / But good luck getting lucky now / With your fucking kid / Mm-hmm / Your stupid fucking kid / Mm-hmm
All lyrics written by Scott Gesser. © 2020 Apparently This Is Music.